Choose your words
YOU and your teens: two different worlds, two different perspectives – and a giant disconnect that can make communicating a real mystery. The fact is, the more we push our kids, the more they get defensive and dig their heels in; they become reactive by blowing up or shutting down. And they’re thinking: “My parents don’t have a clue, so what’s the point of trying to explain myself? I’ll just tune them out.”
When your teens attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves, they clamp up or explode. That’s because distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teens know how to communicate when things get intense, which, of course, only causes more conflict.
Here are three keys to opening your kids’ ears so that when we talk, our teens will listen. Hopefully, you will find it helpful for communicating with your children through the difficult adolescent years.
1. Communicate empathy: Here’s a simple secret that will help you in everything you do with your teen: No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your child with understanding, even
How to talk so your teens will listen. if you don’t fully agree or even quite comprehend what they’re talking about.
For instance: Your teenage daughter is not doing her schoolwork and instead, is chatting online with friends. It drives you crazy because you’re thinking: “The way she is going, she is not going to get her homework done and will get into trouble with her teachers.” The kid, on the other hand, is thinking: “I have to get online and talk with my friends. If I don’t, all the other girls will be against me and I’ll have no one to hang out with at school tomorrow.” Again, two different worlds. Try to start by saying: “I understand it is important for you to connect with your friends online. Remember schoolwork is your job and it’s your responsibility to do it to the best of your ability. Get your work done and I will make sure you have 30 minutes’ chat time later.” Be sure not to say: “I understand, but ...”, which will simply disqualify what you’ve just said.
Start from a place of understanding, and try to put yourself in your child’s shoes first before telling her what needs to change. Doing this tends to “open kids’ ears”. Instead of feeling like they have to defend themselves against you, they actually listen.
2. Be rational, not emotional: Emotion is your enemy when you’re trying to get through to your teen. Remind yourself that what he/she says and does is not a reflection on you. You may not like how he’s behaving – or even how he’s thinking – but keep your emotions out of it, even if his behaviour impacts you.
I’m not saying this is an easy thing to do; it’s tough, but it’s a skill you can learn just like any other. In fact, you may want to repeat this slogan to yourself before talking to your kids: “This is just like a business transaction; it’s nothing personal.” When you really think about it, there’s no reason to be mad at your child for being himself. He may be making a poor choice, but the truth is he might not yet have the skill set to make a better one. So your job is to help guide him to make better choices so he can in turn develop a better skill set.
When you realise what your job is as a parent, it will help you be less emotional. When you feel frustrated, remember, don’t take it personally. Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve, and part of “parenting business as usual”.
3. Ask curious, not loaded, questions: Ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative. Let him see that you believe in him and that you’re not mad at him for struggling in his life. When he sees that you STARS who knock back whisky, wine or beer in a movie are an invisible but potent force in prompting youngsters to experiment with alcohol or binge-drink, a large US study published recently suggests.
Major exposure to scenes of alcohol consumption in movies is a bigger risk for teen drinking than having parents who drink or if booze is easily available at home, it says.
Unprecedented in its scope, the probe entailed a confidential telephone survey of more than 6,500 randomly-selected Americans aged 10 to 14 years, who were then interviewed three more times over the next two years.
The youngsters were surveyed on what big movies they had seen, whether they drank alcohol or owned merchandise with a liquor brand on it, and were also asked questions about their personality, school and home life.
The 50-movie list used in the interview was drawn randomly from 500 current or recent box-office hits plus another 32 films that had grossed at least Us$15mil (Rm45mil) when the first survey was carried out.
The researchers then measured the amount of exposure to alcohol in movies, determined by a character’s actual or implied consumption of a drink or purchase of it.
The youngsters, they found, had typically notched up a total of four-and-a-half hours of such exposure. Many had seen a total of more than eight hours.
During the two-year course of the study, the tally of respondents who said they had started to drink alcohol rose from 11% to 25%. The proportion who began binge drinking, defined as five or more drinks in a row, tripled from 4% to 13%.
Out of 20 risk factors for these two activities, the biggest by far was high use of alcohol among the youngsters’ peers.
But high movie alcohol exposure ranked the third biggest risk for the onset of drinking, and fourth in terms of progression to binge drinking.
It was a far greater risk than having dud parents or parents who drank, having lots of have faith in his abilities and he is given the space to work things out on his own, he will begin to develop true confidence.
Don’t ask loaded questions that put your child on the defensive, like, “Why can’t you get up on time? What’s wrong with you?” Instead, try opening a conversation with, “Leong, do you have any idea how you might get up on time?” If he says he doesn’t know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for him.
Let your teen know that his prob- pocket money, being a rebellious character or having drink available at home.
“Movie alcohol exposure accounted for 28% of the alcohol onset and 20% of the binge drinking transitions,” says the paper.
After confounding factors were taken into account, teens who watched the most movies featuring alcohol were twice as likely to start drinking as those who watched the least. They were also 63% likelier to progress to binge boozing. Why is this so? “Alcohol use in movies is typically modelled in positive situations, without negative effects, and often shown with alcohol brands, which consolidates what the adolescents identify as a drink and brand allegiance,” the study suggests.
“Acquisition of alcohol-branded merchandise, an article of clothing with an alcohol brand on it, furthers this process.” lems are his to solve. Don’t step into his “box”. Rather, you are there to help him figure out solutions – and to let him deal with the natural consequences of his behaviour.
Communication is the most important element in building a successful relationship with your teenager. The expression: “It is not what you say, but how you say it” has never been truer. n Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.
The investigation is published in an online journal, BMJ Open.
Its authors, led by James Sargent, a professor at the Dartmouth Medical School in New Hampshire state in the United States, say it is time to consider restrictions.
Sixty-one per cent of Hollywood movies use product placement of some kind, they note. Producers cannot use tobacco in placements yet face no restrictions on alcohol.
Health watchdogs should be concerned, and not just in the United States, they warn.
More than half of Hollywood’s revenues come from overseas distribution, mainly in Europe, Japan, Canada, Australia, Brazil and South Korea.
“Like influenza, images in Hollywood movies begin in one region of the world then spread globally, where they may affect drinking behaviours among adolescents everywhere they are distributed.” – AFP