Piercing issues
When your child yearns to express himself in an outrageous fashion, what would you do?
WITH parenting, things can get out of hand. Just when you think you have got most tweens- and teens-related issues under control, something else crops up. Like, out of the blue, your older teen tells (not asks) you that he or she wants their body pierced and/or tattooed, to colour their hair purple and green, shave their head or go for something outlandish (think mohawk, mullet, skillet).
These are piercing issues, to say the least. Announcements like these can pierce the hearts of parents and bring more pain to them than if they are to get body piercing or a tattoo themselves!
Body piercing, tattoos, dramatic hairstyles and unconventional clothing are all part of youth culture. For many teens, exotic attire is an important aspect of their emerging personal identity.
So where is the line between healthy selfexpression and bizarrely anti-social behaviour? How do you set reasonable limits yet leave room for each teen’s unique personality? It is like Tevye in the film Fiddler On The Roof, when he does the “on the one hand, on the other hand” game while trying to solve his ever more difficult parenting dilemmas.
My friend recounted how her 16-year-old had lobbied for nose piercing for two years. She begged, argued and, yes, threw tantrums all in the name of establishing her own identity. She tried to highlight the fact that she would be 18 sooner rather than later and wouldn’t need parental permission to pierce
Boundaries: any part of her body. To her credit, the daughter also said that she wouldn’t go ahead with the piercing at any age if Daddy ultimately objected. When Daddy heard that, he got choked up and gave in to his “little girl”.
I am sure you will get to or are already experiencing the “I am 18 and can do what I please” argument that hovers over nearly every conversation between teens and their parents. In this case, my friend’s daughter insisted that she be allowed to establish her own identity. And in a twist of that argument, the girl managed to sway her mum and dad – not through threatening them but turning them into mush.
For me, ear piercing has never been an issue. Pierced nose, on the other hand, makes me a little uncomfortable. Full nose ring? That’s a hand too far. So are piercings on other discreet parts of the body. Tattoos? Forget about them.
Some modern parents may frown on my thinking but at least I am frank with myself. By being honest about your own reactions and defining clear boundaries for your teen, hopefully we can come up with some useful guidelines for what’s okay – while respecting and supporting your daughter or son’s individuality. I know, though, it’s easier said than done.
I used to have a teenage client who had a labret (piercing near the lips) and a tattoo on his back. When I asked if it was painful to get them done, he answered: “Painful. But not quite as painful as having to explain it to my parents, especially my mum.”
In her article Just One Little Tattoo in the British newspaper The Guardian last Aug 11, Tess Morgan encapsulates the grief and pain a mother experienced when her 21-year-old son came home with a tattoo.
“And this is when I realise that all my endless self-examination was completely pointless. What I think, or don’t think, about tattoos is irrelevant. Because this is the point. Tattoos are fashionable. They may even be beautiful. (Just because I hate them doesn’t mean I’m right.) But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn’t. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant ... I am redundant. And that’s a legitimate cause for grief, I think,” she wrote.
Piercing issues are indeed painful and difficult for both the teenagers and the parents on many different levels. As Tevye eventually said, after he compromised, bent and adjusted his parenting for most of the film: “Sometimes there is no other hand.”
And yet ... where should our parenting lines lie? Are we prepared to shift them? How often should we shift them? I remember clearly what my teenage client said: “It’s not about the body piercing or tattoos, it’s about growing up.” Food for thought.
Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. E-mail her at star2@thestar.com.my.