Getting along with the in- laws This writer appreciates having two sets of parents to lean on.
ALMOST everyone loves their parents and gets on well with them. But I am lucky I also adore my in- laws and love it when they come to visit. Now that they are both retired, John and Kath who live in Britain visit us twice a year for a month each time.
I have friends who would rather pay for childcare than leave their kids with their in- laws. Some refuse to visit unless it’s a special occasion like Chinese New Year. One friend said she chose her husband because he was an orphan so she would never have to deal with in- laws.
My parents are pretty wonderful. They’ve invested in my education even though I am a mere girl and would marry away into another family. They gave me space and opportunities many Asian girls will never have. While you may scoff, I have female friends who had to study locally while their brothers were sent overseas because it would’ve been a poor way to spend the money; plus daughters must be sheltered and monitored, from and for what I know not still.
I’ve been married for 15 years come July and I’ve known my in- laws for almost 18 years. The first time I met them, I was exceedingly nervous. My husband and I had only been dating for a couple of months and I was not especially serious about the relationship.
After many days of persuasion, I capitulated and agreed to have dinner with them. They were in Birmingham, and it was my father- in- law’s birthday. We were supposed to have dinner at a restaurant in town. I was so nervous I dropped my cutlery several times, like a total imbecile.
After a while, they kindly enquired if I would be more comfortable with chopsticks! I explained that I was completely adept at using a knife and fork but then promptly dropped them on the floor again. I’m sure they harboured suspicions that their son was dating a half- wit.
Over the next few years, I got to know them very well. On the whole, I liked them very much. There were issues on which we could not agree, but I loved that we could discuss things and maintain divergent opinions with no hard feelings between us.
Learning to live together as a family presented some challenges. On occasion, I felt the need to defend my husband from their expectations. However, as time passed, I have seen the need to remind him to be more conscientious of their love for him.
In my 20s, I have to admit I was a bit of a drama queen; losing my cool over trivial matters. Time has mellowed me and I am more mature now. I’m sure my in- laws had to bite their tongues on a few occasions.
Though we are very different, we also have much in common. My mother- in- law is very crafty and makes cards, does beadwork, jigsaws and sews. She introduced me to Hardanger, Blackwork and tatting. We also love going to antique fairs to marvel at carnival glass and bric- a- brac.
My father- in- law loves walking, cooking and is very handy. I have learned so much from watching his precise and methodical work on his home and car ( though I admit I have very little interest in the latter). I see where my husband gets his very practical nature.
He showed me how to trim a tenderloin for steak and how to debone a bird with a tiny knife so we could have a three bird roast one Christmas. We’ve installed kitchens, fixed broken locks and gone tool shopping together.
Nana and Granddad are very different grandparents from Mima and Gong Gong. My parents are loving but not playful, indulgent but not always as available due to work and commitments to other grandchildren.
Having all four of them in their lives means my children are blessed with a perfect combination of love and involvement, plus more than a touch of grandparental bias.
Nana and Granddad only have my three for grandchildren though this many soon change as my brother- in- law plans to tie the knot next summer. But for now, my lucky three reign supreme.
They are read to and taken on excursions. Granddad is great fun in the pool and Nana is the soft toy doctor. Every time she comes, her “hospital” is bursting at the seams with injured toys needing to be stuffed and stitched while the children tell her that Mama is just too busy to do these things.
Granddad cycles with the kids, fixes bicycles and roughhouses. He does his best to share his love of science and engineering, history and debate with the kids via books and videos. He beams with pride when they show him how they can cartwheel, handstand or skate.
Frankly, my marriage is stronger for having two sets of loving parents to lean on – mine and his. When things are at their worst and I contemplate divorce ( which I have been known to do), one of the questions I inevitably ask myself is where else I would find such wonderful in- laws.