Feeling lost and trapped

I AM sitting in a coffee shop in KL and I’m feeling lost.

Everyone says I should be grateful because everything in my life is going great, however I’m not happy.

I’m 17 but I feel like I am trapped in an old soul. I’m graduating high school soon, but I didn’t really participate in anything and I missed school for over 60 days last year because of my depression and anxiety.

People think that I am lazy but I’m not. I feel like I’m losing my friends and family because of this. Why can’t I just be a normal girl? The girl next door, the one who has everything together, the excellent and the pretty one.

But instead here I am depressed and anxious. I used to have all my dreams and hopes lined up. I knew what I wanted to be and what I needed to achieve it but now I just feel damaged and lost.

Graduation is coming up soon, but I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I’m even ready for life.

There is this guy whom I really like, but he lives in Australia. I’m not sure if I’m in love with him or the idea of him. He makes things bearable and better. He’s my best friend when I push my other friends away. However, I’m scared I’m lining up my dreams in Australia because of him, but not because of what I want.

I had also dreamt of studying in the US but I changed my mind lately.

I’m scared of losing people I love. I’m broken, maybe in love, and I need your wisdom

Deadhopes

Being a teenager is not easy. Aside from all the changes that one experiences in their body, they also are going through a process of trying to figure out who they are. They have to tread a confusing, and sometimes lonely, journey of unravelling their childhood identities and develop a new one. One that is not quite child, and not quite adult.

It is not easy. Yet, what makes you say you are an “old soul”? Is it because you don’t like the same things others your age do? Before you label yourself, you should know that just because everyone else is doing something or behaving in a certain way that does not make those things “normal”. These behaviours are just the norm. And, norms change all the time.

Why did you not participate in these things that everybody does in high school? Is it because you couldn’t or you did not want to? It is completely acceptable that you did not want to do these things. You still have your memories of high school. Sure, it may not be what others experienced. But, that does not make it any less legitimate.

Speaking of labels – how do you know you have anxiety and depression? Have you consulted a mental health professional and been properly diagnosed? Are you taking treatment?

Anxiety and depression are serious mental health conditions. These are very different from the feelings of sadness that are normal for all humans to experience. It is also very different from nervousness that everyone experiences regarding different things. Anxiety and depression can be debilitating. Hence, it is of utmost importance to get proper attention if you do think you have these conditions.

While anxiety and depression are serious problems, they are also manageable and there are effective treatment protocols to address these. A trained mental health professional will be able to help you overcome the symptoms and to function in everyday life. This means you won’t have to skip school or miss out on life. You will be able to learn skills that are necessary to overcome self-defeating negative thoughts.

As to your other problem, as the saying goes: the grass is always greener on the other side. You may genuinely like this guy you have met in Australia. But, before you make any big decisions, you must ask yourself if you are romanticising this idea of him. Like you said, you do not know if you like him or the idea of him.

At your age it is totally acceptable to not know what you want to do with your life. That is all right. But, you should not be making that big a decision based on someone you think you like.

What you should be doing to make a decision about your future is gather information. You should be making the rounds of the education and career fairs that are now all around. Think about what you like in school. What subjects do you like? What are you good at? These should give you an idea of what field of study to follow.

If you don’t know, then find out about pre-university courses. There are so many on offer these days. And, there are different combinations of subjects you can take. Take the combination that is most likely to open more choices to you.

You have the world literally at your fingertips. Do online searches to learn more about different jobs and what they entail. What kinds of skills do they require? What do they do? What are the prospects? The more you learn about these things, the better idea you will have about what might interest you.

You may even decide that it is too overwhelming to do this now. Then, there is always the option of interning. You will be working, but may not be financially remunerated. Instead, you will gain experience. If both – money and experience – is what you want, there are jobs aplenty for young people like you.

There are many paths ahead of you. It may not be easy making the right decision. But, more important than making the right decision is that you are making it for the right reasons. And, the right reason is what is best for you and your future. This is not determined by someone you may or may not like who lives in another country.

It doesn’t matter if you choose to pursue your studies right here in Malaysia, or another country. You may get into a prestigious university. Or, you may not. None of these matter if you do not do it for yourself.

Nothing is broken that cannot be fixed. You may not get it exactly the same as it was before, but you can still fix it. And, who knows? It may be better than what it was before.

You are very young. It is too early to determine for yourself that all is lost. You can always build new dreams and hopes. Actually, it may be better to do it now as you have a better grasp of who you are. It is common to have dreams when you are very young and to find one day that you don’t like them anymore. That is not a disaster. The disaster is when you stop dreaming. It is not yet time for you to do so.

You can dream. These dreams are yours. They can be big or small. They can be vivid, in colour, or black and white. It doesn’t matter. They are yours. It is time to own it!