Make peace with yourself

Want to make positive changes in 2018? Begin with self-acceptance.

AROUND this time of year, many of us will be starting to think about what kind of goals we want to set for the new year.

The usual suspects among our resolutions include leading a healthier lifestyle, searching for a new job, learning a new language, reading more books, and enjoying life to the fullest.

While these are all wonderful goals to aim for, there’s one in particular that is often overlooked and yet is, arguably, the most effective trait to aid personal growth.

One of my fondest memories is rooted in my first stay at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery on the outskirts of London. On the advice of one of the monks, I went walking in the surrounding forests one peaceful afternoon. He suggested that I “pay attention to everything just as it is”, and to take my time being out in the open.

Many of us will appreciate the therapeutic benefits of spending time in nature, whether it be walking through a forest, trekking across hills, or soaking up the sunshine on a beach. There’s something deeply consoling about these experiences, and yet it’s not immediately obvious why.

As I took my time walking through the forests at Amaravati, paying attention to everything I saw along the way, it struck me why nature always looks so wonderful: it’s because everything exists in its natural state. The trees with their crooked branches, the dishevelled scattering of leaves, the dirt paths, and the wild plants – there everything stood, perfectly imperfect.

I began to imagine what it would be like if nature tried to change itself as much as some people try to change themselves. Try to picture walking through a forest with perfectly straight trees, shapely branches, neatly aligned plants and bushes, and pristine paths with no leaves on the ground. It would feel strange and unreal – nature is beautiful because it exists exactly as it is: nothing less, nothing more.

We feel at peace, relaxed in the presence of such natural authenticity – the forests and the beaches accept us exactly as we are, just as we marvel at the calming settings. Psychology research suggests that, when we spend time in nature, our blood pressure lowers, we feel calmer, and

our mood lifts. It’s as though we drink in refreshing serenity in the recognition that so little of it is to be found in the midst of our otherwise hectic lives. Our batteries become recharged by being in the present moment with whatever’s there – we have no desire to change anything. It’s all good enough.

And yet, many of us are frequently looking to “change” who we are, and find ourselves rarely at peace with our own nature, our own state of being. While it’s admirable to make new year resolutions, I think one of the reasons they often fail to stick is because we use them as a means to change ourselves, rather than add to who we already are.

In his book, The Five People You Meet In Heaven (2003), Mitch Albom writes, “You have peace ... when you make it with yourself ”. If we could resolve to put real effort into accepting ourselves exactly as we are, if we could (in the words of psychology professor Jordan Peterson) “treat ourselves as someone we’re trying to help”, we would surely see much greater growth than any gym membership or language course could offer.

The very nature of our being means that we will never reach a state in which we are completely satisfied with ourselves. There will always be someone fitter, better looking, more secure and richer than ourselves, so making comparisons according to the expectations of others, or even our own unrealistic expectations, is bound to keep us feeling dis- satisfied and discontent.

Cultivating self-acceptance doesn’t mean that we choose to stop growing or striving towards our ambitions. Rather, accepting ourselves in the same way we admire nature means that we learn to appreciate ourselves, warts and all, and perhaps be amused by the thought that someone out there might even wish they had some of our qualities or traits that they admire.

The sociologist Brene Brown suggests that courage begins with showing up and letting ourselves be seen for who we are. Ironically, it’s when we stop trying so hard to change ourselves that we become capable of opening up to the curiosity, wonder and delights that lead to positive changes that bring out the best of us and what we’re capable of achieving.

So, if you have any plans to make new year resolutions for 2018, a great place to start would be to consider devoting some time to cultivating self-acceptance. In doing so, it will help to bring about the kind of growth and clarity that is sure to lead to a deeper sense of satisfaction and contentment for the year ahead.