Love and enjoy your siblings as you age
Cultivate good relationships with your adult siblings, for these are potentially the longest-lasting ties of your life.
WHEN we were young, sibling rivalry was intense; fights and quarrels were normal everyday occurrences. We struggled to get along with our brothers and sisters as we were then young, immature, naïve and even rebellious and uncontrollable.
As we grew up and started living our own lives, things changed.
As adults, many siblings still face difficult relationship with their brothers and/ or sisters. Some still don’t get along with their grown-up siblings.
Adult sibling relationships in families are like the weather: Stormy at times, defying predictability, and disruptive.
It may be that you have a not-so-good relationship with a brother. Perhaps you and your sister are not on speaking terms. Perhaps you have a sibling who is taking advantage of your parents, or is displaying behaviour not to your liking.
Research on sibling relationship shows that in middle and old age, indicators of well-being such as mood, health, morale, stress, depression, loneliness, and life satisfaction are tied to how we feel about our siblings. In other words, satisfaction with sibling contact closely correlates with health and a positive mood which reinforce the biological intensity of the sibling bond.
As for seniors, here are some pointers on how conflicts between brothers and sisters can be resolved, and healthy friendships formed, given that we don’t have much time left in this world.
As it is not easy to get along with a sibling whom you bear a grudge against or are unhappy about, the first essential step is to forgive and forget the past. Once this major barrier has been taken care of, one then needs to learn how to get along with your siblings.
Take the initiative to show genuine love towards your siblings, especially the ones whom you dislike the most; throw your ego and pride out of the window.
Your kind gestures will spark interest in the other sibling and show that you sincerely want to mend the strained relationship. Prepare the best food which the sibling likes and have it home-delivered. Also, the use of encouraging words, giving of gifts, physical touch and closeness, and spending more quality time together will greatly help.
In terms of strengthening the relationship among siblings, make sure you try your level best to attend all functions organised by the siblings, for instance the birth of a child/grandchild, birthdays, weddings, etc. Have an understanding that each will take turns to organise events such as New Year gatherings and anniversary celebrations; these will go a long way in further reinforcing your relationships. Come together during good and bad times. It would be good if there is a go-getter among the siblings who will facilitate this process.
And most importantly, be very patient as some feelings take years to heal. As long as there is genuine reconciliation, there is hope.
Having said the above, let me now share with readers my experiences with my nine dear siblings (five sisters and four brothers). We were just like any other ordinary siblings but, over the years, we made a conscious effort to strengthen our relationships by practising all of the above. We made every effort to forget about the past and forge ahead positively. Now we are seeing results: Not only are we are very close but we truly enjoy one another’s company.
We organised an impactful overseas trip for all the siblings last year. All of us – in our 40s to 70s – packed our bags and left for India, our late dad’s birthplace. Little did we realise this trip back to our roots would become a journey of a lifetime to be cherished! We went unaccompanied by our spouses and children, to stay focused on our siblings’ agenda. We bonded and renewed our relationships as a family, over cha and meals. The time spent together was a great family therapy. We enjoyed the camaraderie and togetherness. The trip brought us closer together.
We learned new things, including our blind spots and idiosyncrasies, some embedded for years, as we frankly and candidly shared and engaged one another about our shortcomings and strengths.
Therefore I encourage siblings to embark on such an adventure. It will be a discovery process that will leave an indelible mark in your life and relationships. I did so in the great company and fellowship of my siblings. We realised our bonds as brothers and sisters are potentially the longest relationships of our lives. While we can choose our friends, we certainly can’t choose our siblings.
I’m so blessed that God has given me nine wonderful brothers and sisters. In fact they are now my best friends.
After our first trip together, we organised another overseas trip, this time including the rest of the Tara Singh family members.
We were pleasantly surprised that 24 family members decided to join us on a bonding trip to Hanoi, Vietnam, in late November to early December 2017.
Hanoi was a fantastic gateway amid the cool serene mountains of Sapa and the mesmerising sea of pearls at Ha Long Bay. Three generations of the Tara family bonded over six days and got to know one another better. The food was great, the company excellent and the itinerary catered to everyone, whose ages ranged from 12 to 71. Another milestone was achieved for the Tara family!
One member of the family said: “Words cannot describe the wonderful bonding trip we had together and I can’t wait for the next trip!”