Doing what's right by Dad

With his aged father needing medical care and attention, our reader is torn between making a decision that is popular and one that would benefit his father.

WHEN my dad (who is 92 years old) became difficult to be looked after, my wife and I decided to send him to a nursing home so that he could be better taken care of by professional and medical daycare workers.

It was a difficult and painful decision which took us some time to make.

My mum (in her early 80s) was utterly against the notion. My two brothers were distraught with the whole idea of sending him to a home.

But the truth was that there was no one to look after Dad in his condition.

My brothers suggested getting a live-in maid to look after him but I knew that it would be difficult to get one and, even if we found one, she would face great difficulty in lifting him from the chair and cleaning him up in the bathroom.

My mum is slow and forgetful. She is not able to look after Dad because she is sickly and aged. But despite her physical limitations she tries to be beside him to make sure that he is all right.

For the last two years, my dad has been having problems moving around the house and looking after himself.

He moves with great difficulty, even with a walker. And an even bigger struggle is sitting down and getting up from the sofa. It takes him an eternity to do so. He has knee problems and is in pain whenever he bends to sit or get up.

When we ask him to see a doctor, he refuses.

We have a family member who comes in every day from 8am to 2pm to take care of his meals, wash his clothes, and clean his room and bathroom.

My dad spends his time either in his bedroom or on the sofa in the living hall, where he would read or watch television. Most of the time, he would doze off in his chair.

For lunch, he is served porridge with some vegetables and minced meat or fish. A pinch of Bovril is added to flavour the otherwise plain porridge.

After lunch, he would sit the whole day in the hall, dozing off every now and then.

He has a mug of milk at

4pm, with some biscuits. Then at 6pm he takes his bath and, around 7pm, he would inch his way back to the hall to his favourite sofa.

An early dinner of porridge or noodles would be served.

After that, he would watch

TV with my mum until 10pm.

Then he would retire to bed.

He suffers from incontinence and has problems controlling his bladder. There are days when he leaves a trail of urine as he slowly makes his way to the bathroom.

One of his legs is swollen and he walks with a limp, but refuses to see the doctor.

He is having difficulty getting up from bed and there have been times when he refuses to get up from bed early in the morning.

He would stare blankly at the ceiling, some mornings.

On more than one occasion he got up in the evening, which frightened my mum.

It is a daily struggle to pull himself together to get up. Sometimes he just gives up and lies in bed. And my mum, who is able to move, has committed herself to be in his service.

She does not go anywhere for fear that Dad will be alone, though my wife and I are at home. I can see her life just going by, being in the house day in and day out.

She whiles her time away by reading the Bible or watching television.

She has stopped going to church and refuses to follow us to eat out once in a while.

My mum tries to help look after Dad but it is not easy for her and she is not in a position to do so. And both my wife and I can only do so much because we are working.

It is painful watching my dad pulling himself up to walk and to look after himself.

My wife and I scouted around Seremban and found this nursing home in Rasah which offers wonderful facilities and care for the aged.

There are three or four beds in a large room, with professional and medical assistants at the centre. They would be in a better position to take proper care of Dad.

There is also a doctor in attendance at the centre.

We are contemplating sending him to the centre for his own good and my mum’s. However, my brothers feel that it is a cold and heartless decision to send him to a nursing home, and worst of all, separating Mum and Dad from being together in their twilight years.

But they fail to realise that some things are easier said than done; what Dad needs now is close care and attention by professional and medical assistants who can make his life easy.

It can restore his dignity so he need not feel ashamed of leaving urine trails when struggling to get to the bathroom.

And my mum, though not too keen on the idea of Dad going to the home, has to learn to let go and live her life.

She has much to live for. And we can always take her to see Dad at the home, which is 20 minutes away.

I have been called heartless and cruel by my own family members for sending my dad to the nursing care centre.

No one was willing to look after my dad or my mum. I have been with them all these years but the last few years have been a struggle.

Dad’s immobility and deteriorating health has made him incapable of looking after himself.

No one will understand nor will they ever know the pain and the struggle that loved ones and caregivers go through when they have aged and sickly parents to look after.

It is easy for siblings and others to pass judgment over the decision, and whether the decision is right or wrong to send him to a nursing home; let God be the judge.

Sometimes the most difficult and painful decision may be the best for everyone. And someone has to make that decision, however heartless and cruel it may seem.