Create ripples of joy with kindness

Being kind to yourself and to others make for a better world.

IN honour of National Kindness Week, I wanted to find out what it means to be kind, and how much opportunity there is for kindness in today’s fast-paced, increasingly-demanding world.

To get some answers, I interviewed Ajahn Brahmali – a senior Buddhist monk based in Perth, Australia – on his thoughts about the virtue of kindness and how we can apply it to our lives.

Q: What does it mean to be kind?

Ajahn: It means to act with good will towards others. This obviously refers to our actions by body and speech, but ideally it should also include the way we think or even perceive.

By gradually changing our bad habits, we eventually acquire good ones. Once our habits are good, it is far easier to be kind.

How does it benefit us to be kind?

The first and most important benefit is to oneself. By being kind, we tend to feel good about ourselves, not in a self-centred way, but just having a warm feeling inside.

You know you are living well, and you feel good about that.

Further on, kindness also leads to joy, which is a vital ingredient in meditation, if it is to be taken to a deeper level. Joy is the glue that makes your mind stick to the meditation object.

Of course, kindness tends to have all sorts of worldly benefits as well.

Your relationships are better and there is less friction. You tend to be better liked. Success at work is more likely.

But it is best not to be kind simply to reap worldly benefits. If you do, you are likely to be disappointed and not be able to persevere in the practice.

The second benefit is to those people who are the beneficiaries of our kindness.

In fact, a “spiritual act” (as opposed to a worldly act) may be defined as one that is both beneficial to oneself and to others.

Also, often our kindness has unintended consequences, such as inspiring others to do good.

Just like a rock thrown into water creates ripples that spread outwards, so too the ramifications of kindness are often far-reaching. By being kind, we are creating a better world.

Is it possible to be truly kind in today’s competitive world?

Absolutely. You just need to have your priorities right.

Our main purpose in life should be kindness and worldly success should be secondary.

Worldly success without kindness is empty and hollow. You simply won’t feel satisfied. So, what’s the point?

On the other hand, kindness often leads to worldly success. You are more likely to be promoted because people know you will be a good leader. The best leaders care about their employees, as well as their customers.

If we’re kind all the time, doesn’t it leave us vulnerable?

Kindness must always go with wisdom. Part of this is being kind to oneself. If you know that in a particular situation you are likely to be taken advantage of, then you hold back a little.

But even then you can at least be kind mentally.

At the same time we shouldn’t hold back simply because we are afraid of being taken advantage of.

If we allow our lives to be run by fear, we end up not getting anywhere.

Some risk-taking is necessary. Occasionally you may get burnt, but then you learn from that.

Some might say kindness is a weakness that can turn us into pushovers. What makes kindness a strength?

Kindness is a strength because it makes you more independent, less vulnerable, and more resilient. When you have an internal source of happiness, external things matter less.

People who have no inner contentment and joy must rely on the external world for their happiness and meaning.

But the external world is notoriously unreliable and so you open yourself up to lots of suffering. Moreover, if you have a sense of independence, you are better able to deal with the problems in life. You have a refuge, a degree of untouchability, that gives you strength.

What’s the best way to cultivate kindness?

You just have to put it into practice.

There are two obvious areas where kindness will make a big difference: in our family lives and in our workplace.

Do you take your spouse for granted, or do you show them kindness by giving them little gifts and saying words that go to their heart? It can take sustained effort to be kind to the people who are closest to us.

How do you treat your parents and children?

Are we too demanding of our children? It’s good to remember that our children come into this world with pre-formed characters. They are not blank slates that we can mould into whatever we think is best.

The most important thing to give children is love. The way they turn out is often beyond our control.

By reducing or eliminating our expectations, we are able to love in a much fuller and less business-like fashion.

With our parents, it is much the same. We need to focus on what they have done for us and forgive anything difficult from the past.

Then kindness towards them is so much easier.

As for our work colleagues, we try to take every opportunity to be kind.

We say a nice word. We bring them a cup of tea. We hold open a door. We listen.

Almost every interaction we have can be turned into an opportunity for kindness.