Till death do us part
A FRIEND always gives this toast at weddings, and his words never fail to get a big laugh: “Marriage? Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get into it, and get used to it, it’s not so hot anymore.” I am still with Husband No. 1 after 32 years, and I think of this toast as not only funny but wise. You are about to read many more words of wisdom in response to a question I posed to readers and to pals: “How do you stay married until death do you part?”
My advice is to embrace the fact that, over time, the hotness of the honeymoon becomes less like a roaring bonfire and more like a steady pilot light. But the qualities of steady and predictable in marriage are far better than that of a wildly unpredictable bonfire, that can be doused easily with a power hose.
May you learn a lot, as I did, from the following dispatches on ways to make the heat of the honeymoon period turn into a warm and loving long-distance ride:
● Phillippe Doubinskiduchene: I went to see Ruth Bader Ginsburg speak recently. She told the audience that her soon-to-be mother-in-law told her that to have a lasting marriage, it helps to be deaf sometimes. Justice Ginsburg was married 56 years before her husband died.
● Adrienne Gibbs Bates: Patience. Patience. And more patience. Also, the ability to laugh not only together but at one another. And to support one another when you’re at your absolute worst.
● Shauna Chabot: Always try to be kind. Your spouse may not remember exactly what you said, but he or she will always remember how you made them feel. That can make or break a relationship.
● Donna Jefferson: Decide what’s important and forget the rest.
● Debbie Markman Fine: Listen to each other: the good, the bad and the ugly.
● Tanya Renne: If your spouse feels more strongly about something than you do, let them have their way. Turn right if that’s what they want, even if turning left makes more sense.
● Sabrina Alberts Plattner: The old saying “don’t go to bed mad at each other” has worked for us, 23 years and counting!
● Billie Jo Kaufman: Luckily, when there was stress or when something went wrong, one of us was “all in” and the next day we were back on the right track. We simply never quit the hard work required to make a marriage last.
● Lou Shapiro: Choose your battles. What will really matter a year from now? Five? 10?
● Don Davis: Tell your wife she is pretty. Every damn day. Never forget important dates. Make her laugh. Surprise her with flowers.
● Donna Farris Outlaw: Always say I love you, especially when saying goodbye. You never know when the last time will be.
● Tony Broh: She does the laundry. I fold it. She takes it upstairs. I put it away. She takes food out of the freezer for dinner. I do the cooking. She clears the table. I do the dishes. She puts away the leftovers and wipes the counters. I turn out the kitchen lights. For 41 years.
● Karen Gilbert List: For 36 years, what works for us is giving each other some air, not having to be with each other all of the time, developing our own interests and celebrating each other’s interests. Too many couples get so caught up in each other’s needs, they lose touch with themselves.
● Gene Olmo: I’ve never loved anyone like I love my wife. Yet, enjoying time away from her is great, especially for the things she doesn’t enjoy. Like fishing.
● Tim Savino: Thirty-nine years of marriage because I let my wife know she has always been right about everything. (She made me say that!)
● Joann Vaughan: Forty-two years here. Never be too busy for each other.
● Dean Rogers: Better to be kind than to be right.
● Julie Hassett: Stay curious about each other. Don’t expect your spouse’s core nature to change. Or, to fulfill all your needs.
● Ron Cohen: Try to make him or her feel like the most important person in the room. Soon, it will be 59 years.
● Trisha de Borchgrave: Don’t expect to find fulfilment in your partner. Find your own fulfillment, and then share it.
● Elba Pacheco: Choose someone you admire and respect and who admires and respects you. Share as many meals together as humanly possible.
● Sharon Miller: The secret to a happy marriage is to like each other as much as you love each other.
● Kimberly Herman: Try your hardest not to leave. No matter the difficulties, the despair, the hopeless feelings. I did not heed my own advice and I live with regret and sadness.
● Maite Hernandez: Marry someone who appreciates how crazy you are and would not change a thing. And remember that no one will love your children like the person with whom you had those children. – The Capital/ Tribune News Service