Abuse has put me off marriage

I BROKE up with my boyfriend last year, and to be honest, I am glad that it ended.

All I can remember about that relationship was the days I cried myself to sleep, the emotional abuse and financial issues. I helped my ex sort out his financial issues and I know that he is still struggling with it. Because of him, I almost ended up with serious financial issues but before that happened, I decided to end the relationship because of the mental torture he caused me.

I am slowly recovering but the fear of relationships is still there. Whenever my parents talk about marriage, I get anxious. Just like other women, I do want to have a family of my own but the fear of attachment is too extreme for me to manage.

Thelma, I am not materialistic but I don’t want to be in debt beyond what I can manage. And if the emotional abuse happens again, I know I might hurt myself. My ex has no idea what he has done to me mentally. I don’t love him anymore, maybe I even hate him.

I just want to be the old me. I just want to move on but I don’t know how.

I even thought of staying single forever but I know my parents won’t let that happen. They want me to settle down. To them, I am a successful single woman but, to me, I am a mentally unstable woman.

I just want to be at peace.

Just Want To Move On I’m sorry to hear you had a bad time. It’s an awful shock, isn’t it?

You didn’t say how long you were in the relationship or how old you are. Without context, there is a lot I can’t tell, so I have to talk basics.

You had two issues with this man: financial woes and emotional abuse.

The financial woes were his, but you were almost sucked into them and it scared you. Look, there is nothing wrong with saying you won’t enter a relationship with a person who is struggling under massive debt or has very poor financial management skills.

While money doesn’t buy happiness, living in hardship certainly impacts on whether you can be happy together. Checking that someone is reasonably solvent, and protecting yourself against a person whose

behaviour is such that they are always in and out of debt is simply self-protection.

It is tricky, though, because money is as personal as sex. People hate to talk about it. But I think that if you are contemplating marriage, then there is room for a cards-on-the-table conversation.

Treat money as a simple discussion, and try to make it clear that a bank balance is not a reflection on anyone’s moral worth. It’s just making sure that nobody is blindsided by unexpected debts or a huge mismatch in expectations, like you want to buy a home and he wants to go on a world cruise.

The emotional abuse is separate. Was this man your first relationship? Or were there others?

If you have a pattern of falling for abusive men, then you need to invest in sessions with a mental health professional well versed in abuse to figure out how you fell into these relationships and how you can prevent yourself from repeating the mistake.

If all your other relationships are healthy, then sit down and go over all the red flags you remember. Ask yourself what you did. See where you might have walked and didn’t.

Also, why doesn’t this guy know what he did to you? Didn’t you talk to him? Protest? If not, why not?

Learn from the experience and use it to understand yourself and your needs better.

If you aren’t good at self-reflection, then a few sessions with a professional will help untangle what went on and will help you protect yourself in the future.

Most of all, give yourself some time to heal. Do things that make you happy, and get back your self-confidence.

If your parents complain, remind them that there is no point in throwing yourself into a relationship if it means you made the wrong choice.

Start dating when you are ready, not because some other people think you should. It’s your life, your happiness and your peace of mind that matter.