One last thing before the final farewell
Writing messages to surviving relatives as a sort of legacy or ‘heart will’.
A PERSON close to death typically has many fears. One of the most common is departing without a trace and being forgotten.
“Although they may not be cognizant of it, many people would like to leave a legacy,” says Dr Sven Gottschling, a palliative care physician and author. By this, he doesn’t mean money or property left to someone in a will, but what’s known as a “heart will” or “ethical will”: a final message of love or guidance, or a special keepsake.
There’s no such thing as an ideal final farewell, says pastor Stefanie Schardien, who warns against the wish to make your passing perfect, as it were. Terminally ill people shouldn’t subject themselves to this added stress, she remarks.
If you do want to leave a memento, though, there are any number of possibilities. Besides a letter, the classic option, you can put together a photo album or plant a tree to remember you by, for instance.
As family therapist Valeska Riedel sees it, leaving your loved ones something for the time after your death is basically a nice idea.
“But you should ask yourself how important it is and whether it wouldn’t be better to tell them what’s on your mind while you’re still alive,” she says.
The dying need be mindful of their moral responsibility and consider whether their parting message will assure relatives of their love or be hurtful. “The person who’s departing should appreciate that the others will go on living,” Schardien says.
In Gottschling’s experience, some terminally ill patients want to task their relatives with things. “This can be a burden because these messages are powerful,” he says. A child who’s told, for example, that he’s now got to be “the man of the house” can easily feel overwhelmed.
As much as they should be aware of their responsibility for surviving relatives, they shouldn’t be afraid of doing something wrong. “It would be a bigger mistake not to do something you feel the need to do,” Gottschling says.
You should ask yourself what effect you intend with your message, and in what situation it will reach your loved ones. If you know, for instance, that you won’t live to see your children come of age or get married, you can consider writing a message or making a video for these occasions. And you’ll need a helper to present them at the appropriate time.
This can be problematic because you’re delegating a great responsibility. “I’d most likely entrust my spouse or a godparent, who has the necessary life experience,” says Riedel.
The experts discourage acting out of despair or rancour and using the message to settle accounts. “It would be good to refrain from doing this, as it would surely hit home,” Gottschling says.
“A final message shouldn’t leave any questions open or hint at something, because it won’t be possible to ask what was meant,” says Schardien, adding that while death is a time of reconciliation, this doesn’t mean you should gloss over everything that went wrong in your relationships.
But why wait until you’re at death’s door before composing your message? The best time is now. “Experience shows that you then can have closure and devote yourself fully to life,” Gottschling says.