There is no weakness in depending on others
SOME years ago, I read a wonderful poem by a friend who had been spending some time reflecting on how interconnected everything seems to be.
It started off talking about breakfast and how we should think about all the conditions that had to come together to allow us the fortune to enjoy the food that we eat.
The poem then expanded to include the shelter we enjoy, the clothes we wear, the water we frequently use, and so on. It was a reflection on just how much we take for granted.
Most of us in Malaysia have experienced a water shortage due to some disruption or other, and it’s only when we lose what we assume will always be there that we wake up to just how valuable itis.
The poem also acknowledged how dependent we are on others. In one section, the author observes that none of us makes the food or clothes or shelter that we enjoy every day.
None of us built the devices we use or put together the furniture that we have in our homes. And none (or at least, very few) of us built the homes in which we live.
It’s a popular trend nowadays to think of ourselves as “independent”, or, in a few ambitious cases, “selfmade”, which highlights just how much support and assistance we’ve received to the point where we long ago stopped noticing.
In my own case, I’d need more than eight hands to count the people who have directly supported me toward any success or opportunity I’ve had to date – and that’s just some of the people I can recollect with ease.
This week, I came across a post online with an astute observation about the nature of dependence. It reads, “Dependence has been demonised as part of mental health treatment. Patients who do not feel comfortable with their dependent feelings will have trouble building solid relationships with others.”
It goes on to say that “psychoanalytic therapists help people develop emotional autonomy, including acceptance of dependent wishes”.
While I would tweak the point slightly to include effective therapists who put their clients before themselves regardless of their approach, it’s an important point to recognise that all of us are dependent on others more than we might realise – and that’s no bad thing.
The primary reason behind our success as a species has been down to our ability to rely on and communicate and collaborate with each other. Not even the most successful people you can think of reached their status alone, and nor can they maintain it without the continuing support of others.
On an individual level, the feeling that we don’t or shouldn’t depend on people can be, in some ways, protective in the sense that it keeps us from being vulnerable. So we tell ourselves we’re independent and avoid the need to think about how much we rely on the help and goodwill of others. During my undergrad years, a coursemate made a big deal of being independent. He would tell people he had his own place, his own car, and was careful with his money. In real-parents ity, his provided all of his conveniences – he didn’t work. Some time later, he shared with me that he didn’t like the thought of relying on anybody, including his parents. It made him feel incompetent and incapable and helpless. To this day, many young people have a sense that they should be “independent” by a specific age, lest it means they’re a failure.
But all of us are dependent on others. From the point of birth to the point we leave the world, and all the time in between, we are supported by someone, even if they’re a stranger to us. More people than we know see us into the world, throughout our lives, and see us out when our time comes.
There is no weakness in depending on others. Of course, if we rely too much on people, that can create problems for all involved. But if we can learn to accept that we all need some help, support and guidance throughout our lives, I believe it can make a difference to the anxiety, the loneliness and the sadness we might otherwise feel.
In his book, Love’s Executioner (1989), American existential psychologist Irvin Yalom writes, “It’s the relationship that heals, the relationship that heals, the relationship that heals” – he calls this his professional rosary.
Here, he refers to the therapeutic relationship, but it applies to all relationships. When we tend to them well, they can nurture us in all the ways that we need and, hopefully, we offer that back and forward to others in turn.
It’s not a new idea – modern humans have been surviving for at least 150,000 years on this. But it’s a useful reminder that, in so many ways, we all need others. It’s healthy to have our autonomy – to live with a degree of freedom to shape ourselves – and also to acknowledge that healthy dependence helps us become who we are.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.