Standing on the shoulders of giants
THIS week, I received a question from a reader regarding dependence on others. They asked, “Isn’t the point of life to learn how to stand on our own two feet?”
The question probably followed on from my last column, “There is no weakness in depending on others” (Starlifestyle Sept 4; online at bit.ly/star_weak).
Some years ago in my hometown, a group of dignitaries formed a movement called “Give Something Back”. Its premise was simple: We all have skills, talents, resources and abilities to help those around us. We can never repay how much others have helped us over the years, but we can pay it forward and support many others in ways big and small.
I’ve always liked this idea – it reinforces the notion that we’re all interconnected in our communities, our towns, and far beyond.
When the Buddha began to create his monastic code as the number of his followers grew, one of the rules (still in place today) is that monastics are not allowed to grow or store food. Instead, they must receive food from others without request or coercion. This was a recognition of the interdependency that genuine spiritual practice ought to foster. Monastics rely daily on the provision of sustenance from laypeople; in turn, laypeople receive guidance through the teachings of the monks and nuns.
Community lies at the heart of all the main religions. A healthy dependence on each other helps people to flourish – we enrich each other’s lives in ways that might not be immediately apparent until we find ourselves in loneliness and soon feeling the effects of isolation.
One of the biggest – and often most painful ways – we engage in avoidance is pretending to be less vulnerable or dependent than we are. It can serve as a handy defence mechanism in the short-term, but really, none of us does much of anything on our own.
I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I wouldn’t last very long if I were thrown deep into a dense forest with no supplies. I have always needed, and still need, the help of plenty of people around me and I don’t think there’s ever any shame in the idea that we all need the support of others.
I’m also a therapist who’s in therapy, partly because if I’m to effectively help others, I realise I have to work on my own problems. It would be foolish to suggest everybody struggles at some point only to pretend I’m the exception.
In my view, life isn’t about learning to stand on our own two feet as much as learning to work together so that we can all stand up and make the best of ourselves, while helping to lift those in need. The imperative to give something back stems from the idea that so much has already been given to us.
In a letter to a fellow scientist in 1675, the English mathematician and physicist Sir Isaac Newton wrote, “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”
As remarkable as Newton was, he knew his achievements were enabled by the works of great thinkers who came before him.
It’s only in fairly recent times that we began to pull away from collective dependence and adopt a more individualistic mindset.
George Orwell’s 1945 essay, “The Case for the Open Fire”, describes how standardised heating meant that family members no longer had to group themselves around the fire, but could now retreat to their own rooms and remain alone. In the counterculture of the 1960s, the Human Potential Movement was built on the idea that, by developing our potential, we can lead individual lives of happiness, creativity, and fulfilment. Since then, elements of the billion-dollar self-help industry have boomed with messages that imply we are and must be the sole authors of our lives.
On the other hand, positive psychology research over the past 20 years has demonstrated that we tend to flourish best when we have quality relationships that help us discover and nurture our goals, meaning and purpose in life.
Taking initiative, making decisions and creating a path for ourselves are important parts of growth and carving a place for ourselves in the world. At the same time, we also need to be aware of our limitations and inabilities and know to ask for help when we need it.
In her book, Rising Strong (2015), Brene Brown writes, “... in the middle of our lives, we mistakenly fall prey to the myth that successful people are those that help rather than need, and broken people need rather than help.
“Given enough resources, we can even pay for help and create the mirage that we are completely self-sufficient. But the truth is that no amount of money, influence, resources, or determination will change our physical, emotional, and spiritual dependence on others.”
Throughout our lives, people help us to stand on our feet so we might help others do the same. Humans exist as individuals, but we have always worked together to create and shape the societies that help us thrive and survive.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@ thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.