Listening without agenda can be a great gift
WHEN we listen to people, do we pay attention with curiosity and understanding or are we poised to offer our own insights as soon as the other has stopped talking?
In my roles as a counsellor and as a client, I’ve learned that the power of listening well without judgement or agenda has a significant impact on the quality of connection we have with people.
Typically, when someone comes to us with some problem or difficulty, we are well-intended in our desire to immediately offer advice, solutions or comparisons. Unfortunately, our desire to be helpful in these ways often turns out to be a hindrance.
Something I’ve realised over time is that most (if not all) of us are lacking in having space to be heard, to have our inner world witnessed without fear of judgement. If we believe in the small talk we all engage in, each of us is always “fine” and “getting on with it”.
To be given a space to be heard, to express the difficulties and problems we face, is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can receive from another. When we receive this acceptance, we are better able to see and steer ourselves towards the direction or change we need to improve our circumstances.
As Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, observed, “People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, ‘Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner’. I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”
Rogers also realised that when we can accept ourselves and others as they are without the desire to fix them, it allows the potential for change to arise within the person through their own insights.
Here, I would like to share some tips on how we can improve our listening skills. To be sure, it takes effort and time to improve what we might believe to be an easy skill – learning to listen well requires us to get out of our own way, and that’s not an easy thing to master.
But if we practise offering the gift of listening with the intention of understanding, it can enrich and strengthen the bonds and connections with those we serve as well as our family, friends, and other loved ones.
Listen with curiosity rather than the desire to fix:
Unless someone asks for advice, it’s likely they just want to be heard. Asking questions such as, “How do you feel about that?” or “Can you share more?” helps the person to process their thoughts and feelings.
When we jump in with our well-meaning advice, it cuts off that process and can leave the other feeling unheard. When someone actively listens to us, it can make a big difference to how we feel.
Avoid immediately stating positives when someone is upset:
Instead of saying, “You’re not worthless – you’ve achieved so much!” when someone says they feel otherwise, it’s helpful to remember that while some thoughts aren’t facts, they nevertheless feel factual in the moment to that person.
Instead, meet them where they are, not where you feel they should be. Empathise with the person without reinforcing the thought by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time at the moment, would you like to talk about it?”
Be mindful of falling into “spiritual bypassing”: Spiritual bypassing is when we use beliefs to avoid confronting difficult feelings and experiences. We might say to someone, “Everything happens for a reason” or “Focus on the positives – things will work out in the end”.
This encourages suppression of feelings and ignoring the reality of what’s happening. It might provide ease in the short term, but over time it can increase suffering as we develop the habit of avoidance.
Acknowledge that problems are often complex: Fixing a laptop or a faulty engine is straightforward – we simply take it to a shop and someone sorts the issue.
Unfortunately, our minds and the problems we face are far more complex, but we carry the expectation that our problems should have a quick solution.
Often, this is not the case. When listening to others, it’s helpful to remember that being there and walking alongside them will better serve the person than trying to fix their problems immediately.
Don’t compare one person’s suffering to another: It can feel useful to say, “Well, at least you have a place to stay and food to eat – many in the world don’t”. Perspective is useful, but when someone is in the midst of their suffering, offering such advice is invalidating.
Suffering is subjective. The pain of a child who drops her ice cream is very real to her. We don’t tell them there are people who don’t get ice cream, instead we know we should comfort the child and put our judgements aside. As much as we like to believe otherwise, adults need that same consideration and comfort when we go through tough times.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@ thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.