Dads on the edge
Ten things that drive new fathers crazy.
MANY modern-day dads would like – and are often expected – to spend more time with their children.
Parenting courses for papas are on the rise, according to German family counsellor Mathias Voelchert. Over several years working with young families, he’s learned a thing or two about the things that drive new dads crazy. Here are his top ten. 1. Night terrors
The days, weeks and months right after the child’s birth can be the worst for new fathers.
“It leaves them ragged,” says Voelchert.
One reason is the baby’s constant squalling day and – far worse – night. This, Voelchert says, takes a lot out of many fathers, not to mention mothers, of course.
“Peering bleary-eyed into the future, the dads think, ‘If this keeps up, I’ll be dead in two months.’” A beginner’s mistake.
2. No time for sport
It’s normal for guys to watch a match with their buddies or spontaneously get together with them to kick a ball about... until the baby comes, that is.
A lot of young fathers want to see their kids grow up and to help out around the house. But when Saturday rolls around, they will yearn for their old leisure activities, and probably just when the baby’s mama is craving a few hours for herself, too. So they’ve got to negotiate. 3. Under eagle eyes
“Everything’s fine when I’m alone with the child, but it’s another story when my wife’s around.”
This, says Voelchert, is the impression that many young fathers have. “A lot of mums don’t think the dads are capable of caring for a child,” he adds.
For example, Dad is lying with the child on the sofa in front of the TV set. The child has fallen asleep. “Why doesn’t he put the child to bed?” the mother thinks.
Or the father might cook something in a different way, or hold the baby differently from how the mother does.
The mother-child bond is especially strong. Does that mean the mother does everything best?
No, says Voelchert, but it can take babies time to get used to things being done differently.
“Sometimes, the baby starts to wail like a banshee when papa does something that mama doesn’t,” he notes.
4. Stupid remarks
German blogger Andreas Lorenz says some fathers are still the target of disparaging remarks by their co-workers, especially if they take parental leave.
“I managed the childcare thing without taking a paid holiday”, for example. Or “What? You change nappies and do the laundry?”
The frequent implication of such remarks is that the leavetaker is a wimp and under his wife’s thumb.
5. The car as cargo carrier
The couple’s car(s) used to be roomy. Now, whenever they want to drive somewhere with their little one, the vehicle has to be crammed full of nappies, baby bottles, toys and the pram.
Only then can the family set off on holiday, or to pay a visit to Daddy’s in-laws.
6. The stuff runneth over
Where did the child disappear to? He or she must be there somewhere amid all the wrapping paper, ribbons and cardboard packaging.
Kiddie birthday parties are often exercises in excess. Left in their wake are the latest plastic talking toys, played again and again, and then some more. Until the next gaggle of gifts displaces them.
7. Is my kid normal? In fact, am I normal?
These are agonising questions, particularly for men who reject traditional gender roles.
In times past, says paediatric psychiatrist Dr Horst Petri, it was mainly fathers who were responsible for acquainting children with the world of rules and laws.
Many men today aren’t guided by the notion of a stereotypical “normal child” to be moulded by rules and punishments.
“They’re very attuned to their children,” says Voelchert.
8. The battle for authority
“You’re not my father! You can’t tell me what to do!”
This has probably been said, at some time or other, in most patchwork families in which the mother has remarried. Who has the authority, the biological father or the stepdad?
“As a patchwork father, taking a step back can relieve tensions,” says Voelchert.
9. Weather’s whethers
Dad wonders whether to put a cap on the child before going outside. How about a jacket? Or better no jacket? Thin trousers? Maybe thick trousers instead?
Once he’s finally manoeuvred his progeny’s active little fingers through the sleeves and walked out the door, someone’s bound to say the child isn’t properly dressed for the weather.
10. Playground psychology
It’s a workday and the father is standing at the playground swings, surrounded by mothers.
He can almost hear what they’re thinking: “Ha! Another one of those part-time fathers.”
Making small talk would be a good way to break into their circle. But how? Other than being a parent, he’s got nothing at all in common with them.
Fortunately, his child is on hand to help. And when his child grabs another kid’s spade from the sandpit, he’ll be drawn into a lively discussion with the kid’s mum pronto.
Any man can be a father, but it takes someone specialp to be a dad.
Anne Geddes, Australian-born photographer