Eight years of torment

T started when she was 11 – a year after her mother died.

Diana (name has been changed) endured eight years of torment, with her father repeatedly sexually abusing her.

Her younger sister was often sent to stay with her maternal grandmother for long periods. This made it easier for the man.

What started as fondling turned into routine penetrative sex. It spiralled into a twisted and traumatic bond for Diana, now 28.

“I began to ‘accept’ the relationship even though I was forced to perform sexual acts against my wishes.

“In return, my father would shower me with gifts and was more lenient with me than with my sister,” she recalls.

The abuse stopped when she left home to study at a university. Her father died from a heart attack after that.

“I remember crying when I heard the news but I also felt a strange sense of relief even though he had already stopped abusing me,” says Diana, who agreed to share her story to encourage other victims to stand up for themselves.

Confused by the relationship with her father, she didn’t make a police report.

“I regret that. And I don’t want others to be in the same boat,” Diana says.

While she graduated and eventually married, it hasn’t been an easy road to recovery.

“I got a good job as a company executive but I found it difficult maintaining professional and personal relationships,” she says, admitting that she could only enjoy sex when she was high on alcohol.

“I felt like I couldn’t have meaningful intimacy without being intoxicated,” says Diana, who was later treated for depression.

And while her condition has improved, Diana, now a mother of two, still has to undergo long-term therapy.

Just like Diana, many victims tend to stay silent.

Malaysian Mental Health Association deputy president Datuk Dr Andrew Mohanraj points out that the victims come from all socio-economic backgrounds.

And one reason they keep quiet is due to the embarrassment to themselves or their families.

“Sometimes, the victims will be ostracised and blamed especially if the relationship is perceived to be consensual.

“Many fail to understand the concept of ‘traumatic bonding’ in which the perpetrator also provides attention, some form of affection, and connectedness.

“The victim becomes accustomed to sexual abuse with the perverse form of caring,” he says.

Often, the victim realises it is wrong only long after that. Such re-traumatisation can lead to selfharm and suicide.

“Many will have trouble establishing intimate relationships, or may suffer from depression, anxiety, substance abuse like alcohol and sleeping tablets,” Dr Mohanraj says.

Some incest victims also develop borderline personality disorder. Symptoms include imbalances in mood and behaviour.

“The shame continues to be a difficult psychological baggage to get rid off even decades after the incident,” he says.

As for other family members, Dr Mohanraj says the perpetrator’s spouse would often feel guilty and take the blame for not protecting the child. One of his patients fell into severe clinical depression because of this.

While it destroys trust in families, criminologist and psychologist Dr Geshina Ayu Mat Saat says the effects of incest are more severe than rape as the perpetrator and victim share family ties.

“It may also shape future positive attitudes towards incestuous relationships since sexual grooming is involved.

“The victim cannot run away nor totally avoid the abuser because they are related. Sometimes, the victim feels that by submitting, younger or other family members are protected from the abuse,” she says.

However, such “sacrifices” only strengthen the perpetrator’s justifications and do not stop the abuse, Dr Geshina adds.

“In many cases, through the perpetrator’s manipulation, the victim feels that the incestuous relationship is deserving, a way of showing familial love or to ‘teach’ other family members about sexual intimacy.

“This is why most victims keep silent, in order to maintain family harmony and submissively allow the incest to continue when it is wrong,” she says.