We must reject culture of shame

Diversity is among Malaysia’s key charms, and yet it will wither if people are excluded and made to feel bad simply because they are ‘different’.

EVERY year, like clockwork, we see campaigns that call for unity and a show of patriotism for Merdeka Day on Aug 31 and Malaysia Day on Sept 16. Every year, to commemorate both events, I write about how proud a Malaysian I am.

This year, I will break this personal tradition. Events and development in the first 100 days of our “New Malaysia” force my hands to type about the elephant in the room, that is, our tendency to propagate the culture of shaming.

I must also admit the decision to address this comes after repeatedly watching Nanette,

the critically-acclaimed Netflix special by Australian comedienne Hannah Gadsby.

I found myself laughing and crying watching it because not only are there profound lessons in art history, but the stand-up also highlights homophobia, misogyny, and most importantly, the responsibility associated with free speech, where shaming and spreading hatred is never constructive.

Growing up, I have had my fair share of being shamed.

To borrow Rehman Rashid’s quote: “I am not (the right) kind of Malay.”

I recall the times when I was shamed for being fluent in English.

Truth be told, English is my first language. This is an anomaly for a girl who grew up in the small town of Perai.

My parents and grandparents saw that fluency in the language would get me far, and I would like to think that it has.

When I spoke in Bahasa Malaysia, I was called “too bookish”.

I prefer to use words that are not borrowed from English, preferring barah to kanser

when talking or writing about my previous work.

There were incidences when I was shamed for wearing the wrong kind of clothes to events and even for wearing the kebaya.

I think I am not alone in this regard, as we have heard of women being barred from Parliament or local councils’ premises for wearing skirts deemed too short by certain self-appointed moral gatekeepers.

My examples are mild, because I am not yet ready to share my story as Gadsby had.

The extremity of shaming, however, can be seen as recently as with the case of the transgender woman in Negri Sembilan who is now fighting for her life after being beaten up by eight men for not being “right enough”.

It is the same culture that led to 18-year-old T. Nhaveen’s death, for he was “not masculine enough” to his bullies.

The roots of such violence are in shaming, where we make those who are different feel excluded and riddled with self-guilt for not fitting in.

In her stand-up routine, Gadsby talked of the time she was beaten up by a group of boys and chose not to report it.

In her words, “But I didn’t (report the incident), because that’s all I thought I was worth. That’s what happens when you soak one child in shame and give permission to another to hate.”

It is the same culture that propagates domestic violence, sexual harassment and rape, because we shame women for making police reports on what happened to them and for leaving their abusive husbands.

I always find it ironic that we still have khalwat raids that invade privacy between consenting adults, but issues of domestic vio-

I worry that in our annual celebration of unity this month and next, we gloss over the need to have the ‘hard’ discourse. I worry whether we even know how to begin having such conversations.

lence, rape or child marriages are deemed too private.

I guess the culture of shaming has its own hierarchy of social acceptance in Malaysia.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs places love/ belonging in the third tier of needs for all human beings.

In allowing the propagation of the culture of shame, we not only deny Malaysians the chance to achieve self-actualisation, which sits at the top of the pyramid, but also allow the cracks to form in the very foundation of human needs.

Regarding the authorities’ removal of portraits of transgender advocate Nisha Ayub and LGBT activist Pang Khee Teik from an exhibition in the George Town Festival, I can’t help but notice that some Malaysians are deemed “not Malaysian enough” to be pictured with our national flag.

It is another example of shaming, where someone decides whether another is “enough” to be accepted.

I worry that in our annual celebration of unity this month and next, we gloss over the need to have the “hard” discourse. I worry whether we even know how to begin having such conversations.

“Difference is a teacher.

“Fear difference and you learn nothing,” said Gadsby.

While we celebrate ethnic and religious diversity, we must also learn to celebrate difference of opinions, of sexual preferences, of non-heteronormative gender expressions.

We need to also learn that these labels and categories are not exclusive, but are instead inclusive.

And that is all they are – labels.

At the core, we are all human beings wanting to belong.

Shaming can begin as mildly as someone being shamed for not speaking or dressing the way the majority does.

But it could lead to so much more. My Merdeka wish this year is for more Malaysians to reflect on reversing the culture of shaming.

I wish to be free of shame and stand empowered.

I wish that all Malaysians – regardless of gender, race, political leanings or sexuality – are allowed to be proud in displaying and waving our nation’s flag.

After all, is that not the very spirit of Merdeka?

Lyana Khairuddin is a virologist turned policy nerd living between London and Kuala Lumpur. The views expressed here are entirely her own.