Redefining a mother’s role

> Mothers need me-time to avoid burn-out

MOTHERS are often regarded as compassionate, protective and selfsacrificing individuals whose love for her children has no boundaries. Life after becoming a mother is truly a spectacle of self-sacrifice that entails time, money and much of life itself.

Societal pressures as well as many a mothers’ own desires to do it all and in the process, give all of herself to her family, need to be addressed. It is imperative, not only for the sake of mothers but importantly, her children, and ultimately for the wellbeing of society at large.

One of the implications of society’s expectations of mothers is that she is not an individual. Many forget, including mothers themselves, that they are individuals first, with their own needs and desires, which contribute to their own happiness and fulfillment.

When mothers, especially those with young children who demand a lot of attention, have their focus entirely and constantly on their young ones, they neglect their own needs. These needs which range from having some time on their own, catching up with friends over dinner to pursuing a hobby or passion, are vital for the wellbeing of mothers. Minus this crucial me-time, mothers risk burning out.

Before long, there could be a build-up of frustration and anger from continuously giving and giving that one of few things may happen: she could lash out at or hit her children for trivial matters; she may develop health issues; she might pick fights with her husband, friends or family; she could become moody or withdrawn; or experience a mental/emotional breakdown.

Ironically, in sacrificing everything to be a “good mother”, she ends up being a parent who leaves behind psychological scars and trauma that affect her children for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the guilt she herself will carry for the rest of her life for the tears, hurt and pain she unintentionally caused.

NEW BREED OF MOTHERS

In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of young mums who are speaking up about the importance of self-care. The latest in the list is actress Jada Pinkett Smith. In a video from a series called Red Table Talks that has since gone viral, Smith says, “You always have to remember to take care of yourself first and foremost because when you stop taking care of yourself, you get et out of balance and you really forget how to take care of others.”

This simple yet profound concept bears similarities with the emergency instruction on-board an airplane which is to secure your own oxygen mask before helping your child put on his or her mask. It is based on simple logic. If you lose consciousness while putting on an oxygen mask for your child, you endanger your child’s, as well as your life.

Similarly, if a mother keeps soldiering on on her own and doing it all for her children and family, what happens when she stops breathing? The repercussions will surely affect all in the family especially her children, one way or another.

While it seems so simple to talk about it, self-care is not as easy to administer in reality. Primarily, it is because society has long painted and embedded in our minds and consciousness, a picture of the perfect mother.

Smith says there is this idea that

a mother has to completely sacrifice everything, adding, “We’ve been taught that taking care of yourself is a problem.” It is a valid point because we only need to witness the many mothers who shame other mothers for putting themselves first before her children. It happens within families, among friends, acquaintances and even between strangers on social media, where one supposedly went against the “Perfect Mother Rule Book” and some felt she deserved to be berated for it.

If society established the “Perfect Mother” persona, mothers all over the world would be guilty for continuing to implement it. Oddly, most times, it is the same band of women, mothers, who berate other mothers, women with children and families themselves who become other women’s own enemies in this case.

MOTHERHOOD MYTHS

One of the biggest misconceptions of self-care is that it is selfish foror a mother to ever put herself first before her children. This is supported by the belief ief that a good mother is always focused sed on her children. If she is not with her er children, she is at work earninging a living or doing some task or other for her children/family.

Simply observe the guilt a mother of young ones feels when she needs to leave her children ren behind, even if it is to go to work. The guilt that working mothers hers feel is the same whether it iss her choice to work or she has to work in order to support thee family.

The reality is it is not selfish fish to take care of yourself first. In fact, mothers do their children a great service by practising self-care. When mothers are happy, it affects the children and entire family at large, positively.

Working mothers also tend to believe the myth that it is possible to be “Super Woman” by working round the clock and doing it all for the family. The simple fact is there is never going to be enough time to fit it all in. This is another reason why self-care is not so easy to be put to practice with the current ideology of a mother.

Celebrity mothers are certainly not the choice role models simply because they don’t fall under the same socio-economic category as the majority of mothers. It is understandable why mothers lash out at celebrities who advocate self-care and make it seem so simple. Certainly, it can be for them because there is an entire team at their disposal ... to cook, clean, manage their schedule, chauffeur them and so on. For most mothers especially from the middle to lower social-economicsocial spectrum, being a mum

can be an incredible challenge.

PUTTINGPUT TO PRACTICE

TheTh real demand when it comes to self-carese is time. Mothers, especially to youngy ones, have very little free time. InI fact, they are the ones especially in needn of self-care. For a start, set at least 15 to 30 minutesm a day aside for yourself. It is moremo practical to set this time either earlyearl in the morning before the children wake-upwak or at the end of the day, once theythe are in bed. Next, figure out what helps you unwind.un Is it a bubble bath, exercise, just enjoying a cup of coffee while sitting at the porch or meditation? Whatever works for you, make sure you make time for it often enough. Every once or twice a months, plan a few hours out of the house with friends to pamper yourself, whether it is to the spa, catching up over dinner or to the movies.

Here are more tips for self-care: Join a mummy support group but make sure the members are supportive of one another. Avoid mothers who criticise your mothering skills. Form partnership. Fathers should also be responsible for taking care of the children. Rope your husband in to help. Learn to say “No”. Don’t take on more than you can handle, even if it is your mother-in-law’s request and you are desperate for her approval. Be an individual. You are an individual first before a mother, wife or daughter. Spend some time to ponder your own needs and desires and that which makes you happy. Go for your passion. Set aside some time to indulge in your passion whether it is art, charity or even a business idea!

A mother’s love should cease to be measured by her sacrifices. Children hardly look at their mothers, wanting anything but her love, comfort and soothing encouragement that only a mother can provide. Mothers, learn to love yourselves, be loved and cared for. To all mothers out there, have a blast this Mother’s Day!