A peck gone viral

> Medical authorities are warning against kissing poultry in view of the high risk of infection from close contact

DOCTORS investigating a mystery rise in virus victims discovered that hipster foodies wanting fresh eggs are keeping chickens at home – and cuddling them.

Medical authorities in the US have issued an urgent plea for owners to show less affection to chickens, warning of the “high risk” of “close contact, such as holding, snuggling, or kissing poultry”.

I am not making this up. The CNN news item was forwarded to me by reader Wan Yan-ting, who said: “There has be a joke somewhere about hen parties.”

The Twitter community reacted angrily to the warning. “You can’t tell me who to love,” wrote Derk Pebblegate.

Personally, I’ve never found chickens attractive, and that whole irrational ‘screeching at 4.30am’ thing is a total turnoff. I know human babies do the same thing, but at least they grow out of it by their mid-20s … I hope.

I think if you are worried about disease, choose fish. They can’t wander around town picking up germs, except in Pixar movies, and even if they did, your children can’t pet their heads or kiss them, although mine have tried.

In some pet shops, transparent fish are being injected with neon colours. Dyeing animals is hot right now.

Last month in India, news media reported that people are using luminous paint to give their cattle glowing horns to prevent the animals from being run over at night.

In the UK last week, a farmer said he had painted his 800 sheep glowin-the-dark orange for security.

Soon, you won’t need paint, as you can change animals’ genes.

I did a rigorous research study (a Google search) and discovered that scientists from different countries are making different animals glow in the dark: in South Korea, it’s dogs; in Japan, monkeys; in Taiwan, pigs; in France, a rabbit; in the UK, sheep; and in the US, a cat.

It is clear that the US$1 trillion (RM4.1 trillion) plus spent globally on science every year almost all goes on answering burning questions such as: “Can I make my kid’s hamster luminous?”

I suppose that’s better than spending it on unimportant issues such as world hunger, the climate apocalypse, the coming zombie war, etc.

The articles say they could inject humans with the same fluorescent protein but you’d never be able to go to the cinema again.

Apparently this is not an issue for dogs, monkeys, fish, etc, presumably because they are too cultured to waste their evenings watching blockbuster movies, preferring classical music concerts or fine dining.

Now please excuse me while I write a love letter to my neighbour’s chicken.