The damage that parents do to their children’s future

CHILDREN are influenced by everything around them – their peers, their teachers – but it’s undeniable that their parents have one of the biggest roles to play in shaping their futures.

Parenting is hard. It’s arguably the hardest job in the world. No parent is perfect.

But a psychologist has revealed that the tone of voice in which you speak to your children, the way your sentences are phrased, or the labels you give to your children could have long-term repercussions.

Clinical psychologist Dr Maria Lourdes ‘Honey’ Carandang from Ateneo de Manila University in the Philippines explained there are four instances in which you could accidentally negatively impact your child’s life:

Comparing your children You may love your children an equal amount, but if one has achieved more and you have a tendency to introduce that child to people with a qualifier, but don’t do so for his/her siblings – that can have a negative impact.

For example, you might say: “Here’s my clever daughter, Sarah. And here’s my youngest child, Max,” which is hardly fair.

Children notice these things more than you might realise.

“That’s the kind of bullying that’s very subtle. It is insulting, it is pulling down (the other child). Parents can be guilty and not be aware,” Carandang says.

Using labels Playful nicknames can seem harmless, but they could actually scar a child for life if used often enough. Of course, you shouldn’t wrap your child in cotton wool, but name-calling from a parent can seriously damage a child’s confidence.

According to Carandang, using labels like lazy or stupid can lead a child to develop feelings of resentment towards the parent and the child can start to believe he/she truly is lazy or stupid too.

Setting an example of bullying Not only do children pay attention to what their parents say (most of the time), they also pick up on what you do.

So if they see their father talking down to their mother, they may start to think it’s all right for men to treat women as inferior – and for women to accept it.

“This is because children model themselves after the parents,” says Carandang.

Letting favouritism influence discipline Although your parents probably always denied it, some do have favourites, and often, the wrongdoings of those children go unpunished whereas their siblings’ transgressions don’t.

Carandang stresses that when your children argue, it’s paramount to listen objectively to each of them so you can react fairly.

And even if older siblings should be more sensible, it’s important not to neglect their emotional needs either.

“What we don’t see is that the origin (of the behaviour) could be the home, so let’s be aware of how we discipline our children,” Carandang says.

“We have to do away with putting down or emotionally labelling our children.” – The Independent