A different line on love

> Romantically-inclined young couples may very well find their path strewn with missed communications

HERE’S a shocking and sad piece of news: adults have banned love. Any young person who marries someone he or she loves (as opposed to the official partner chosen by adults) will be exiled, said the town council of Bhagpat in Uttar Pradesh, North India.

This is not fake news – you can’t make this stuff up.

Bhagpat council member Sattar Ahmed told the Daily Mail: “Love marriages are a shame for society.”

I wonder how Mr Sattar and his wife spend a romantic night out – growling at each other and defacing copies of Romeo and Juliet perhaps?

But what practical steps are they actually planning to take to ban love?

The anti-love campaigners are targeting mobile phones as the main tools young people these days use to ‘grow’ male-female affection.

According to the Times of India, Member of Parliament Rajpal Singh Saini had told a gathering of men that no girls should be allowed to have mobile phones.

If your female children have phones, “take them away”, he said.

One man at the meeting said his daughter had eloped with a man she – shudder – said she loved.

Rajpal told the man it was his fault for letting her have a mobile phone.

I was reading the news articles above when I realised that if a fiction-writer had written about a crew of ranting bearded villains banning love, and romantic young couples falling in love and fleeing, the story would be considered utterly unbelievable.

Therefore, the world’s writers of trashy novel and B-movies really need to give these gentlemen a massive cash award, or at least a coffee-stained thankyou letter (I may do it myself), for giving credence to their ‘unbelievable’ stories.

Talking of mobile phones, here’s a related joke:

The Chinese government digs 1,000 metres down and finds traces of copper wire. “This proves we had a phone network 5,000 years ago,” it announces.

The Indian government digs 1,000 metres down and finds nothing. “This proves we had a wireless network 5,000 years ago,” it declares. Back to the matter of love … On the other side of the world, one French presidential candidate, in trying to win the ‘love’ – and vote – of his country’s youth, promised to abolish homework!

For the first time in history, a world leader and a kid at my children’s school are running on the same platform – and the kid might just get the popular vote.

But my vote goes to the man who was almost detained by police recently for literally satisfying a desire.

A woman saw him sitting in his car with his hands moving rapidly just out of sight in the ‘upper trouser area’.

She phoned police to report that there was a pervert in the car park, according to TCPalm, a blog in Florida.

Police swooped on the 34year-old but their deep suspicion soon turned to deep sympathy when the man explained of an irresistible itch on his nether regions that was driving him mad, and promptly displayed the culprit!

Note to male readers: However much you need sympathy from the police, do not try this.

“Hey, officer, I know I was driving badly, but take a look at this!” Zzziiiiiippp!!

Speaking of driving, Google’s driver-free car is making people nervous, and this is the reason it is not yet commercially available.

I understand people’s fears, but I think the cars should be mandatory for all drivers in Italy, India, mainland China, and Vietnam.

Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments to lifestyle.nury@ thesundaily.com.