Stung by words
> Constantly berating your children or calling them names can be damaging to their self-esteem in the long run
YOU asked your daughter to bring in the laundry, but she took a nap and forgot all about it. Then the rain came sloshing down. Your laundry got wet and you got mad.
“Why don’t you ever listen to Mummy? You’re such an idiot. You good-for-nothing!”
Other choice labels parents like to use on their kids are stupid, lazy and useless.
Parenting experts say that such name-calling can be detrimental to the young.
So constantly calling your children negative names can be damaging to their self-esteem in the long term.
Imagine your boss scolding you every day with words such as ‘incompetent fool’ or ‘stupid fella’!
Surely your confidence and selfworth will take an immense beating, what more if you are a child.
The danger of name-calling your children is that they may start owning the labels:
“It’s okay if I flunk my Math. Dad keeps saying I’m stupid, anyway.”
“I won’t wash the dishes. After all, I’m the lazy bum. Mum will end up washing them as usual.”
“I’m just gonna keep quiet whenever dad talks to me. He’s always calling me idiot and telling me to shut up and get lost. One day, I will really get out of this house when I can’t take it any more.”
Sometimes, we don’t realise the effect our words have on our children.
The adage that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’ is wrong. Such names can cut, and deeply.
Also, if you frequently subject your children to hearing negative remarks and labels from you, the possibility of alienating them is high.
They may brush off the remarks with “I don’t care what you say!” but that is merely bravado to mask the truth and hurt that they care very much.
Instead of name-calling, focus instead on the behaviour you want them to change. For instance, “Get your lazy butt off the couch and wash the car!” could become “Please wash the car by Sunday”.
There will be days that you fly off the handle and let loose some choice words such as “Stupid boy!” or “You fool”.
There is no loss of face if you apologise later and focus on the errant behaviour. This is modelling a positive trait – the humility to be able to apologise when in the wrong.
On bad days when you feel like calling the children every nasty name under the sun, don’t. Vent to a confidant instead. Pour out your woes to a good friend.
Some mothers do so anonymously on Facebook groups. It is a great release for them to let out their pent-up emotions. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on now and then.
Some might think that namecalling is all right if done in a loving and humorous manner.
You might call your son a clumsy oaf when he breaks a plate. Or you might jokingly tell your daughter that she’s a nutbag or a silly clown.
It could be part of your family dynamics to be able to jest and call each other names. Point taken.
But if the children are too young, they might not be able to distinguish the context of the name-calling. Parents need to be watchful of what’s going on and take the necessary steps when the situation calls for it.
Lydia Teh is a mother of four and author of 10 books, including the latest, How I Wrote Ten Books. Send comments to lifestyle.lydia@ thesundaily.com.