Raising a stink over smells

> Having bad body odour and pungent feet should be made an offence for assaulting sensitive olfactory receptors

IUSED my wife’s lemon-herbmint shampoo, and now my head smells like a slowroasted leg of lamb. Everyone in the office is complaining that they feel hungry.

So I turn to mail from readers, and find that several have forwarded me a story in which a bus traveller was arrested after passengers complained about his smelly feet.

At last! As a frequent traveller, I have long been baffled as to why ‘being stinky in public’ is not seen as a medium-to-high-grade criminal offence.

It should occupy a space somewhere between manslaughter and listening to Justin Bieber in public.

I once shared a taxi with a driver so smelly that I had to lean my head out of the window for some breathable fresh air – and that was in Beijing, where the air is brown and chewy.

But further research revealed the sad truth that stinkiness has not been formally criminalised in the Indian state of Himachal Pradesh, where the smelly-feeton-a-bus incident took place recently.

The man was arrested for ‘causing public nuisance’ by arguing with the other passengers.

People don’t like being told their feet smell.

One of the US watchers among my colleagues added: “There was a case last year in Omaha, where a man who was thrown out of a car because of his foot odour, picked up a pipe and smashed the back windscreen.” And that’s not all. A Europe correspondent said that in Berlin last year, two men were arrested for fighting on a train, after one of them complained about the other’s smelly feet.

I decided to call a lawyer to ask if smelling bad was illegal anywhere in the world.

“Not really, except for token efforts,” he said.

“A US town made it illegal to have body odour in parks and libraries, but people realised it was really just an attempt to get rid of homeless people.

“In Italy earlier this year, a court in Rome ruled that cooking smelly food was a criminal offence if it annoyed your neighbour.”

But having smelly feet while travelling is not a crime – which is bad news for travellers with delicate noses.

Now, this is where the everreliable Japanese come to our rescue.

A Kyushu-based venture company called Next Technology just announced the invention of a robot dog called Hana-chan, a cute fluffy puppy who sniffs your feet, and faints if they smell bad.

Hana-chan should be placed at all aircraft gates, and set to sniffing incoming passengers. If the dog faints, you don’t get on the plane. Simple as that.

But a sharp-thinking colleague spotted a flaw in this plan.

What if you nip into a dutyfree shop at the airport for a free burst of perfume? Your ‘smell level’ will go up, and Hana-chan will still faint.

In the end, the only people who the dog will allow to fly will be Canadians.

In that country, many organisations have no-perfume policies, and even wearing nice-smelling hair gel can get you sent home if you work in a school or a hospital.

The policy was introduced to help people who feel ‘assaulted’ by the smell of perfumes.

Dear Canadians, if you want to feel assaulted by a smell, come to Asia. I have the business card of a Beijing taxi driver who will make you want to swim in a lake of Chanel No.5.

Oops. I just scratched my head, and now I feel hungry.

Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments to lifestyle.nury@ thesundaily.com.