‘I would end up being his punching bag’ Gaining independence after domestic violence
In her early twenties, Alison* speaks with the wisdom of someone beyond her years.
Alison’s maturity stems from horrific experiences no one should have to go through, let alone someone her age. She is a victim of domestic violence.
At the age of eighteen Alison had not been with her boyfriend for long when she became pregnant.
She had known him for many years but things were different once they got together.
She soon discovered her boyfriend had a drug problem which is when the problems started.
He would steal all her money to sustain his addiction. Alison recalls several times when he would wake up no longer under the effect of drugs and start hitting her for no reason, “I would end up being his punching bag”, she says.
Despite this, Alison continued trying to make things work with her boyfriend but once the abuse continued when she became pregnant with her second child she promised herself she would leave for the sake of her children.
Although it was not easy, Alison left her abuser and now lives in the shelter Programm Sebħ.
She looks forward to a bright future as she intends to complete her studies and raise her children away from violence.
* Name has been changed to protect the identity of the woman and her children.
Alison* is a domestic violence survivor who has just spent 18 months at Programm Sebħ, a domestic violence shelter. She opens up to Rebekah Cilia about her harrowing experience and how she is gaining her independence by studying to fulfil her dream of becoming a hairdresser.
Like many romantic relationships, Alison’s story started off like a fairytale. The trouble started when Alison realised her partner was addicted to drugs, she recounts. This led to a downward spiral of theft and abuse which left her hollow. He would steal all her money and leave her and her daughter without food for days. After this disappearing act, he would come home and beat her for no reason. This is her story.
I had known my then boyfriend since I was eleven years old but we had not been going out together for long when I got pregnant. It was obviously not planned and I later found out he got me pregnant so I would never leave him.
He had mentioned he wanted children but at just 18 years of age, I was not ready. I was a hairdressing student at the time.
My mother never accepted him so once I was pregnant I went to live with his family and him. The problems started almost immediately with his family accusing me of being lazy and not doing my part in the house. By this time I had had my daughter so taking care of a newborn and not sleeping at night was very overwhelming for me.
We decided to find a place of our own and this is when I started to discover he had a drug problem. To sustain his habit he would steal any money I had saved.
He even took all my bank cards. He was never like this before so I trusted him with all my financial information.
He would come home still under the effect of drugs and hit me for no reason. He used to start petty arguments and it was like he was hitting someone he did not know, savagely beating me over and over. Many times I ended up with an unbearable and constant headache because of all the blows to the head.
Other than these times, he was never home. I raised my daughter on my own – he was like an outsider. I had always dreamt of a united family but this was definitely not it.
I really wanted to work things out for the child’s sake so I asked whether he wanted to move to another locality to be closer to his friends. I thought at the time that perhaps being so far away from everyone was causing him stress.
We moved to another town on one condition - we would start a new life and he would have to stop taking drugs. At first, things went well, he was working, contributing towards the rent and even stopped taking drugs. However, this was short lived and he soon fell back into his drug habit.
He began stealing my money again and so I started hiding anything I would manage to save under my daughter’s bed so we could pay rent and buy food, but it was very difficult.
One time we ran out of food, there was not even enough for my daughter. Recalling this breaks my heart every time as I remember her crying out with hunger and having no energy because of the lack of food.
When I got pregnant with my second child I promised myself that if he remained the same I would leave. I kept hoping things would change, especially knowing I was having a boy – he had always wanted a boy. But of course nothing changed. He continued to hit me, even though I was pregnant.
The incident that drove me to seek help took place on my birthday. I was invited to my mother’s house for a meal. I went alone because he had made some excuse not to join me.
I came back home and found my house had been ransacked – he had been frantically looking for my money. My daughter’s bed had been turned over, the clothes in the wardrobe were strewn all over the place. He found the little cash I had hidden so now all the money I saved for that month’s rent had gone to sustain his drug habit.
I was six months pregnant at the time and it was the last straw. I approached a social worker in my locality and she helped me to leave. I left and never looked back.
I called my mother to ask her to help me pack my things and that was it. He used to stop me from speaking to my mother and although she wanted to keep in touch I was scared of what he might do if I went against his wishes.
Throughout this ordeal of a relationship the only support I had was from his aunt who
helped me out a lot in difficult times and used to bring milk for my daughter and food for me.
After I had packed my things, the social worker took me to the emergency shelter Merħba Bik. I was pleased to be going there as I had heard a lot of good things about it.
Once I left an immediate weight was lifted off my shoulders. Although I stayed for the children in the first place, I eventually left because of the children. I did not want my baby boy to go through what my daughter had.
Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked since I left him. When I was with him I was constantly worrying and as a result, I had lost a lot of weight. I had also let myself go - never doing my hair or caring what I looked like.
Once I left, the old me started emerging once again.
This is not to say leaving was easy. He continued calling for a long time after I left asking me to go back home and it took me a long time to move on.
Also, it is then that the legal battle starts - you have to go to court to place a guarantee against him and also to fight for custody of the children.
The court agreed he should not call me unless it was related to our daughter.
Even with this court decree in place, there was a time when he would find out I was talking to someone else and would become
I was six months pregnant at the time and it was the last straw. I approached a social worker in my locality and she helped me to leave. I left and never looked back.
aggressive.
He would see me in the streets and start swearing and yelling at me.
During this time my confidence was completely destroyed, I used to go out and keep my head down all the time. Even seeing a man would scare me because I felt that any man could make me go through the same thing all over again.
In fact, it took me a very long time to start trusting men again. Now I work with a counsellor to find ways of getting through these types of situations.
I feel completely different now and I would never go back. In fact looking back, if I could have left before I would have.
If anyone is in this same situation, I implore them not to feel alone. I know what it was like to think you are the only one going through it.
No one can make you leave an abusive relationship but there is help out there and in the end, you are much better off without them.
I now look forward to a bright future, to finishing my hairdressing course and even perhaps eventually opening my own salon. Of course, my children will remain my priority and I am working on finding a place where my children and I can settle down.
Programm Seb] - What they do
There are two types of domestic violence shelters which help victims build a life away from their abuser - first and second stage shelters.
When a woman first leaves a situation of violence she goes to a first stage shelter – like Merħba Bik. Programm Sebħ is a service run by the Church NGO Kummissjoni Ejjew Għandi.
The NGO works with children and families to create nurturing environments and to help children grow up in loving homes. Programm Sebħ is a second stage shelter, housed in Dar Qalb ta’ Ġesu, where women and children go for further support after they move on from the first stage shelter.
The main aim of the programme is to help women gain independence both on an emotional and financial level – to help the family unit move on and build a life free from the perpetrator.
Women leaving violent situations are facing a myriad of intertwining issues, physical, psychological and even basic practical things which they need to work through with a lot of support.
Director of Kummissjoni Ejjew Għandi Andrew Azzopardi explains how some of these women never worked before or never had to fend for themselves.
Some would have moved from their parents’ home to their matrimonial home. Suddenly, due to violence, they have to leave and learn how to support themselves and their children.
They have to find a job, pay rent and buy food, most of which they never had to do alone before.
Therefore, Programme Sebħ gives them the assistance to deal with their emotions as well as learn how to gain their financial independence.
Programme manager Josette Stensen and social worker Kay Gauci explain how therapeutic support is given to all residents, including the children, while providing a safe place for the women and children to live.
The residents are also given legal support in Court as well as to build the life skills necessary to live independently.
The main residents at Dar Qalb ta’ Gesu are women and their children. Although women alone are accepted, it is not a common occurrence. Where possible the family, especially siblings are kept together.
Azzopardi explains the woman requiring this service vary in age from 18 to over 60.
One of the issues is that women close to retirement age may find it more difficult to get employed.
Day to day in the shelter everyone goes about their business; waking up in the morning, going to work and taking children to school. The programme provides weekly meetings with the social worker as well as other monthly community meetings.
Living together for a long time, the residents become quite close and there is a lot of camaraderie. In fact, part of the effectiveness of the program is group support since they have all been through similar situations.
Once the residents leave the shelter a six month follow up is provided but after that, it is up to the individual to decide how much support they need.
Within this time, Azzopardi says that the majority do find independence but of course the only true test of this is time.
If you or anyone you know may need support or guidance please contact Kummissjoni Ejjew Għandi on 2148 2504, 2247 0900 or info@ejjewghandi.org.