A fatherless Christmas

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to any parent. But what if that child is living just around the corner from you and, now and then, you pass them on the street but cannot even acknowledge their existence anymore? Unfortunately, for many parents in Malta, this is a stark reality. Tomorrow marks the first organised public meeting of ‘Flimkien Missirijiet Inqumu’, at 5 pm next to Valletta’s Tritons’ Fountain (attendees are asked to dress as Santa). Dayna Clarke meets two of the co-founders to discuss to discuss the issue in depth.

As we meet in a busy Gżira café, I am curious to know more about this campaign, and what has driven the two gentlemen sitting opposite me to set up such an organisation. Due to ongoing legal cases and to protect the children, their names have been withheld.

Both men belong to a group of around ten who have set up a campaign to fight (child) access inequality. In just two months, the group’s Facebook page has attracted hundreds of Likes, with fathers regularly messaging them in search for advice. They say: “We have to speak up for all the fathers this year suffering in silence.”

Both men have similar stories; a once-loving relationship with a partner which went sour, as a result of which neither has equal access to their children. Both feel they are victims of injustice at the hands of Malta’s Family Court, even though there seems to be no plausible reason as to why equal access cannot be granted. Both are adamant that other caregivers, such as grandparents, relatives, and the mother’s new partners are not fit to take care of their children, yet these individuals are granted more access than they are, albeit at the mother’s discretion. One even shows me evidence of drug abuse, which has fallen upon deaf ears in court. The second shows text messages meant to brainwash his daughter against him, also known as parental alienation. He shares his harrowing story.

“While most people are looking forward to spending more time with their families, parents and especially their children, I am not.

I am a parent – a father. I have a child in primary school. For the next few weeks, my life will shift between hope and dread. I hope this year I will get the greatest Christmas present ever – I will get to spend some time with my child. My fear is that, once again, I will spend Christmas on my own, not being able to see my child. It is the hope that keeps me going, even though, deep down, I know that it is a forlorn hope.

“The likelihood is that this December will be a repeat of previous years. My lawyer will apply to the court for what he considers reasonable access for a separated father, which will include overnight access.

After about ten minutes, the judge will ‘allow’ me something like four hours on Christmas Eve and two more four-hour visits between Christmas and the New Year. That is what I was awarded last year, and was told that it was ‘generous’.

“But it doesn’t matter what the court orders. It won’t happen. My lawyer will remind the court that my ex-partner did not comply with the the court’s previous access arrangements, as my child is often ‘sick’ at the very last minute and the judge will feign indignation.

“He will remind all parties concerned that contempt of court is a serious offence and say that he will not tolerate it. But it doesn’t matter what he says.

“When we leave the courtroom, I will ask my lawyer what will happen if she breaches the court order again. His answer will be honest and predictable – nothing. She is now a single mother, so no judge will sentence her. She is effectively above the law, and she knows it.

“Still, I must go through this charade every year. Hope is what keeps me going. Maybe – and it is a big maybe – she will have to resort to using me as a free babysitter while she parties over the New Year. It is that ‘maybe’ that is my last hope. I am exhausted, I have attended counselling, and I am not sure, financially, how much longer I can sustain this battle. In the last year alone, I have spent over €18,000.”

Internationally, research has long shown that children of broken families are at higher risk of mental illness, poor educational outcomes, social maladjustment and poor health. These effects have become a public health concern given soaring rates of family breakdowns worldwide. In Malta, statistics show that more than a third of marriages fail.

Leading researchers now maintain that joint physical custody (JPC) – popularly known as shared parenting or shared care – serves as a ‘buffer’ against the impacts of separation on children’s health.

The precise workings of JPC and its design were outlined in a 22-page blueprint drafted by 110 leading experts and published by the American Psychological Association in the journal Psychology, Public Policy, and Law five years ago. It has been endorsed by the Council of Europe, which passed a resolution calling on member states – including Malta – to make shared parenting the foundation of family law.

In shared parenting, each parent obtains more or less equal care-time with children and each remains integrally involved in the children’s upbringing. Unfortunately, discussions with lawyers and experts in the field indicate that Malta lags far behind other nations. Local law allows wide judicial discretion and case-law has evolved to favour sole physical custody assigned to mothers. Typically, mothers get to raise the child, and the father has ‘access’.

“In Malta, the standard ‘access’ is set at two hours on two weekday

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Just as women’s health and rights should be relevant to men, men’s mental health and equality rights should also be tackled by everyone because they ” affect everyone

afternoons and a cycle of 24 hours at the weekend. That amounts to 16 per cent of the time – less than half the 35 per cent threshold set by social scientists for the secondary or non-resident parent in the JPC model,” the second father tells me.

“Our campaign aims to break the wall of silence surrounding men’s inequality within the courts and calls on the government to take urgent action.

“This Christmas, we want everyone to join together to tackle this wall of silence and get conversations going. Just as women’s health and rights should be relevant to men, men’s mental health and equality rights should also be tackled by everyone because they affect everyone. Those suffering this Christmas may be someone’s son, someone’s nephew, someone’s uncle or someone’s father.

“We need a comprehensive package of measures to tackle long-term issues which men face, including a recognised voice in government to coordinate efforts and show that while the majority of politicians may be male, they have failed to tackle this crisis.”

Besides attending the meeting in Valletta on Christmas Day, I ask what else they hope to achieve.

“First and foremost, having a father is a human right. Dads should be treated equally and with dignity by the courts and the state, and their right to family life must be respected. That means automatic parental responsibility for all fathers and a legal presumption of shared parental and child support. Secondly, we want to start a national conversation.

“Let’s break the political and social taboo around men’s rights and fatherlessness and bring men and women together to make a difference in the lives of men and children.”