The challenges of finding love What women want

The following is an extract from Maltese author Mary Anne Zammit’s contribution to ‘The Challenges of Finding Love and why men sometimes get it wrong,’ to which 41 writers from different countries contributed and discussed their own unique way, their rela

Writing about love and relationships is not easy, but at the same time it is the most interesting topic hitting women of all ages and from all walks of life. For loving relationships are an integral part in a woman’s life. At the same time relationships do not always turn out right and often are a source of pain and frustration. Much has been said and written about relationships, in film, in media, in books, with the sole aim of untangling this web.

Going back in time, precisely as a young girl I found myself being absorbed in fairy tales and fables which introduced me to the dream of perfect love. Most of the time, these fairy tales portrayed situations of young women waiting for their Prince Charming, the Knight in Shining Armour. There is one thing which is always definite in these fairy tales; the end is always a happy one.

And they lived happy ever after; it says. So naturally we believed them.

Enchanting, magical stories which have remained engraved in my memories. Before I knew it, I found myself dreaming of meeting the Knight who would make my life whole. The result turned out to be different to what I imagined.

Later, in my life, many men came but they did not fit the image of the Knight or Prince as portrayed in fairy tales. On the contrary, I experienced disappointments, pain and frustration. Unlike my favourite fairy tales.

In truthfulness, behind the stories of Knights and Princes there is another reality. We can see that the woman who waits patiently for her Knight is entirely submissive and relies on her spouse or lover for all that she wanted or needed. At one point we all fell for this dream and waited for the Prince to come into our lives and fill our life with utter happiness.

And that sort of thinking instilled in us the idea that loving your man meant being everything for him. Our life revolved around our Prince and as it seemed a life without our lover or love was meaningless. Most often, a woman had no value unless she had a husband or lover. That was how we were conditioned to think. Thank Heavens, we have evolved and we are now living in our times where we are more in control of our lives and in finding love.

Both Men and Women want Love

There is no doubt that both men and womenyearn for love and want relationships that work. As for myself, I do not want a perfect man but a man who can understand my journey and purpose in life and walk with me along the path of life. Subsequently, women, like me also want emotional security, perhaps the inner feeling that the relationship is leading to somewhere and that it is working. In other words, the reassurance that it is worth investing in someone on a deeper emotional level, superseding the fear that after getting emotionally involved the man will break up.

But for all that, men do contribute differently in relationships and which on many occasions lead to misunderstanding and it may not be their fault at all but their different emotional constitution and conditioning. I will explain. As from the early years in history, men took the roles of hunters and were often responsible for the village or community while women took the caring and nurturing role, particularly that of mothers. The hunter was important as he had to exert himself for his quest for providing for his family and community. As far as I can see, men have remained hunters and have retained this primitive instinct. In relationships, men still want to conquer and protect and since women have progressed, this is generally causing misunderstanding and frustration for women.

Moreover, even in certain cultures, women were often viewed as frail, submissive and who need to be protected while taking care of the family. Given this kind of framework love relationships did work. Consequently, my feminist thinking leads me to think that relationships succeeded because women lived up to this dream in silence. This was followed with more reprogramming systems of women being submissive to men.

Beyond questioning, there are existing differences in men‘s emotional make up and even upbringing, which nevertheless affect the way men behave later when in relationships with women. From their early years girls learn to express their emotions more freely even in public. But for men the situation is somehow different as men were brought up to suppress their emotions, later affecting their communication with women. The consequence is that women feel that they are not understood and loved by their men.

The dream has changed into women‘s progress

So far, thanks to women‘s movement and emancipation, we have travelled far from the usual fairy tale to that of equality. I consider myself lucky to be living in these remarkable days where we are confronted with new possibilities and opportunities. This entails working in careers, jobs and in professions which were generally reserved for men.

This was a developing milestone in women’s history. We women have finally endorsed equality and equal access to success like our counterparts men. Fair enough!

Solemnly, women have climbed the ladder of success and moved away from the long years of submission and suppression. Nonetheless, it felt good to be equal to our male partners giving us identity and new perspectives in life. Yet, as much as we have achieved in our career, our relationships with men took a different facade. This renaissance was instrumental in giving women financial and social independence.

Women no longer dream and wait for Prince Charming to come and provide for them. More and more women are relying on their resources and practically for all their needs and in return the need for love differed from its original departure. Even though women are strong and equal, the relationships with men are still problematic. And I ask: How come that women who have it all, are successful in all ventures even more than men and still are dissatisfied in their relationship?

It is undoubtedly visible that success and new ventures in careers have made us more self sufficient and more autonomous. In the meantime, financial protection is something we can achieve rather than wait for our spousesor lovers to give it to us. I dare say that this radical change has created a sense of delusion and confusion in men, where they have seen change in our roles and way of life.

I must say, that few women have remained dependent on men and living under the shadow of men. We get it from ourselves but this is affecting our relationships with men. Hopefully, this reality is slowly changing and most women will be involved in the labour market and successful in all sectors of society.

Another aspect is that of power. Women are now working and gradually adjusting to power, a concept which has been for long associated with men. Steadily and surely, women moved from the submission mode and became more equal to men. And men?

My diserning feeling is that men have remained hunters and protectors attached to cultural expectations. So, what needs to be done in this situation?

It is now men‘s turn to learn to adjust to the now role endorsed by women and get accustomed to having women as their partners in power. On top of all that, men need to progress and shift from the role of protecting women and start seeing them as equal partners. It is not uncommon in relationships for this level of protection to escalate where men become possessive, domineering and in certain cases even resorting to violence. This could be due to cultural beliefs of how women should act in society and lack of adjusting to the rapid change in women’s roles. Still it may not be men’s fault but rather the effects of this paradigm shift.

It will change and I am hopeful that by time this will take a new turn. There is no doubt that men are loving and want nothing more than to care for their beloved. What differs are the paths taken to lead to one destination − Love.

So, if we want to embark on this journey we therefore need to reach balance and the road ahead is not at all impossible.

What do women want?

Women want to be respected and appreciated for what they have become. We could proudly say that women‘s journey towards power and equality has been unduly successful, but with more measures to be taken when it comes to love and relationships. It all boils to the fact that women are relying on themselves completely and in terms of relationships, what women want is to be treated with equal respect and to be given space, to balance between career, family and love.

Equality is the key component. In addition to that, women need a man who can support the way and manner through which he can channel his energy into his world. What we want is a man whom we do not wish to change and love the way he expresses himself to the world and that he supports the way we bring our energy.

So, women wait for that man and in the long term it pays its rewards. Women need not remain tied to the idea that we are nurturers and that of anticipating the needs of our partners.

All in all, what women want from men is respect, friendship and communication where in a relationship they feel loved and treated equally.

The dynamics are shifting and by time women will achieve this equality. My answer is that women need to respect more themselves and select a man who can support their growth and development and treat them equally.