We need to talk

We have all been on the receiving end of challenging or bad news at one point or another in our lives.

“Children model their behaviour around that of their loved ones and close attachments and thus learn that it is acceptable (or not) to be sad, angry and grieve.”

Such kind of news is generally painful because it has some level of impact on our lives and will most likely generate an intense emotion, or set of c, in response. Whether it is news about a loved one passing away, a sudden accident, the onset of a lifechanging illness, a change in family composition, the need to travel abroad for treatment or any other matter, it is bound to shock or impress to some degree or other.

Delivering challenging or difficult news is just as strenuous as receiving it, particularly because of the intense reactions expected from receiving challenging news. People are cautious when delivering such news, mindful of the way it will be received and the repercussions sharing such news will have on its recipient. Challenging news is often withheld, or delivered in a form factor, that could be easier to digest, even if this comes at the cost of sharing the accurate truth or at the risk of disrupting the relationship between the news bearer and receiver.

Within this context, sharing challenging or difficult news with children is considered by many to be one of the most gruelling tasks one would ever have to face. Aside from the previous aspects of this article all being applicable, children have to navigate the difficult news they receive within the confines of their narrow understanding of the world and their own emotions, oftentimes struggling to express themselves or process this news. Due to this, children need to receive news in a format that they can understand and in a manner that may differ drastically from the way adults are delivered news. Much of children’s innocence is lost as they come into contact with harsh realities that this world has to offer them, leading their loved ones to prefer to omit certain details, if not the entirety of the news, in a bid to protect them.

Nevertheless, while all children experience grief, sadness, anger and other associated emotions when receiving difficult news, children who discover or sense difficult news that was not previously shared with them or dismissed by their loved ones often experience a sense of betrayal that impacts the relationship with their loved ones deeply. Children are very perceptive, and while they may not know what exactly is happening, they can deduce that something is abnormal or different and worthy of further investigation. Without proper explanations that they can understand, and a safe space to discuss and process the challenging news, children will use other tools at their disposal to figure things out, even if this leads to challenging behaviour at home or at school, internalising emotions and thoughts, blaming themselves for what has happened, filling in the blank information with what they think is appropriate or feeling unworthy of receiving answers to their questions.

At the Karl Vella Foundation we feel it is best to be open and honest with children. Children are strong and resilient, seek direct responses and want to know how the news affects them, instead of downplaying the news for them. When children see that their loved ones share difficult news, even if it moves their loved ones to intense emotional reactions, they learn that sharing and receiving difficult news is a tough yet surmountable obstacle. Children model their behaviour around that of their loved ones and close attachments and thus learn that it is acceptable (or not) to be sad, angry and grieve. The way adults behave in such circumstances allows (or does not allow) children to be able to seek the comfort of their loved ones.

All children process difficult news in different ways and at different paces and thus it is important to explain to children that what happened is not their fault and that they may always seek out their loved ones to talk.

We understand that the loss or illness of a loved one can cause havoc to a child’s life. We also understand that it is hard for their loved ones to share difficult or challenging news with children. The Foundation is always willing to offer its services to empower loved ones to deliver difficult news to children and to help the same children process the news once they have received it.

Contact Karl Vella Foundation on 2123 7928 or info@kvf.org.mt to enquire on how KVF may assist you.