KIWI STARS REVEAL
In a world where a woman’s currency is often linked to her appearance, two Kiwi women share their journey to self-acceptance, as told to Emma Clifton.
How I finally learned to love my body
Kerre McIvor Broadcaster, 53
How long did it take me to love my body? Quite a while. I can remember at 21 or 22 thinking that my body wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t slim enough. It was fine; it was a perfect little body. I was pregnant when I was 23, and then had Kate when
I was 24. I loved being pregnant, I really enjoyed the changes in my body. I loved the fact that I was able to give birth without complications, that I could breastfeed without complications, it just all seemed really natural – and the reason you have all those bits!
That was probably the first step in accepting my body as a wonderful, functioning, beautiful thing. But then you go back to the aesthetics again. And because I don’t have length of bone, any ounce of fat is unforgiving. Being short and stocky and nuggetty wasn’t close to the long, rangy supermodel look that was in vogue. In fact, I can’t think of a single time when a short, stocky body has been in vogue! But there have been useful short, stocky bodies.
It wasn’t really until I ran my first marathon when I was 41 or 42 that I fully appreciated the strength and power of my body. I thought, “My legs are short, but they’ve got to run 42km and a lot of people can’t do that.” When I climbed Mt Kilimanjaro in 2013, of the group that had been invited by World Vision to participate in the awareness raiser, only Mahe Drysdale and I made it to the top.
The guides and porters all took
bets on who would get there and I was it. They didn’t tell me why, they said, “We just knew you would.” I don’t see the point of climbing a mountain and not getting to the very top!
When I turned 50 in 2015, I was magnificent. I was in this very magazine in a bikini with my legs up in the air. It was so much fun having a really fun body to be in. My husband kept rolling his eyes, because I was all “Look at meeeee! I’m magnificent!” I was so thrilled with myself – a bit dangerous, really. Just as well I got fat again! But I threw out all my bigger clothes, which was a rookie error, because I thought, “I’m never going to be that [size] again.” And I was. As I always have done – I don’t know why I thought it would be different. So now I’ve just accepted that my weight goes in, it goes out. I can put on and take off 10kg in six months. My body shape doesn’t really change – it’s still big boobs, smallish waist, big hips, short legs.
But the measurements just come down on all parts of it. So now I don’t beat myself up about it.
Every time I started running again, it was always so hard, with big boobs and a big tummy. And this mean voice in my head would say, “Well, of course it’s going to be hard, isn’t it? You fat lazy cow – you’ve let yourself go. If you just were a better person…” on and on. I’ve just banished that voice. I’m not having it any more. I would never put up with that from a friend, so why would I do that to myself?
Generally, when I put on weight, it’s because I’ve had a really good time with good food and good wine and good friends; it’s been a wonderful process. I’m not getting fat because of steroids that I’m taking for an illness. And I’m not getting skinny because of an illness. It’s because of the life I’m leading, whether I’m “disciplined, green smoothie, marathon-running” Kerre, or “let’s have another bottle of Champagne and I know we’ve had three courses but that crème brûlée is amazing” Kerre. I thought everybody was like that but when I went to see my lovely, long-suffering trainer, and he was like,“Right. Here we go again…” I said, “Isn’t everybody like this?” and he said, “No, most people come to me and lose weight and they keep it off.” Well, that’s boring, isn’t it? That doesn’t give you much of a challenge.
I used to punish myself when I got bigger. I’d wear shapeless things and think that was all I deserved. Horrible underwear because that’s all I deserved. Oh what rot! As long as your body is healthy and fit and just a little bit overweight, there are way worse crimes. I don’t torture kittens. I don’t kick walking frames away from old people. It’s not a crime to be 10kg overweight. I haven’t done anything that warrants being punished.
I just loved turning 50. Some of my friends didn’t make it there. My dad was dead at 60. My mum is still absolutely fit as a buck rat at 80 and my grandmother lived till 99, so I’ve either got another 50 years – or I’ll be dead in 10. I’m making every post a winning post, really. I’m in sniper’s alley. I’m not going to deny myself or punish myself. Life is beautiful – and it just keeps getting better. I imagine there will be a tipping point where it suddenly starts to get a bit pear shaped and I think that’s when you start being in physical or emotional pain. But 50 so far… fabulous decade. I can only see it getting better. And when I look at my mother and her friends, they are such wonderful role models. They’re still fun and they still love good clothes and participating.
You just know what’s important once you get older. You know what works and what doesn’t. It still pains me that there are some women that won’t go swimming with their kids because they’re embarrassed to be in togs. And the kids don’t care. They just want
Mum to come in the pool with them and have fun. That you’d deny yourself the joy of diving into the sea on a beautiful day. I know beautiful, beautiful women who suffer from depression and aren’t happy in their own perfect skin.
And it seems like a bloody waste of a good body and a beautiful face. I could make a pig of myself with that! But I really think mental health and confidence are way more important than externals. There are a few little blonde hairs that have started poking out where they shouldn’t… and menopause must be seconds away. But it’s just another milestone. If I go through menopause, I’m lucky to have lived long enough to have done that.
When my daughter Kate and my grandson Bart were down here from the UK, getting Bart’s New Zealand visa, I ran the Auckland half marathon and they came down to the finish line. I was so thrilled to see them. I want Bart to have an active nana – I love being able to get down on the ground with him and pick him up and play with him. I want to have adventures with him – when he’s older, I want to be able to take him swimming with the dolphins in Kaikoura and on safari in Africa. So I have to be active to do that. I’m currently training for the Buenos Aires marathon in September, but I’m still a long way away. I did a 10km run recently, which I enjoyed. I’ve got time; I’ll go slowly.
Megan Annear The Edge radio personality, 27
I’ve learned my body isn’t the enemy; in my teenage years, I blamed it for everything. I blamed it for failed relationships, for not being where I wanted to be in my career, I blamed it for not being rich enough. Everything that was going wrong in my life was because I was fat. I’ve learned that’s just not true, it’s all do to with your mind and your mentality. It isn’t the enemy – my body is who I am. It’s strong, it’s soft. In my mind, it’s fab. It lets me do everything that I want to do. I love to swim and I love to go for walks and it allows me to do all these wonderful things and yet I blamed it for so long.
I had bulimia from when I was about 17. I grew up hating my figure; I did ballet and I was very aware of how I looked. I got a knee injury when I was about 13 and as soon as I had to stop dancing, I put on weight because I was going through puberty. So I started hating myself, making myself throw up. It finally switched when I was 23. I was so done with being angry all the time and being sad and sick and tired. All my energy was going into hating myself, it was really self-absorbed. It all changed when I thought it’s time to start enjoying my life and all the great things I’ve got and the great people around me.
I worked on it, I worked really hard on not hating myself. There was a lot of backwards learning, it’s almost like we’re brought up to hate our figures. We’ve got to be perfect, we can always work towards being better in some physical way. I had to unlearn all of that. It was hard; I’m 27 now, it took four years and I still have bad days, I still have times when I want to go back to when I was 17. But I’m so much happier and freer now. I have an incredible relationship with my partner Guy, I have my dream job that I landed this year – and all of that happened without me being thin.
In the past, it was hard when people around me would talk about how big they were and that they needed to lose weight. I’d think, “You’re four times smaller than me – if you say that openly about yourself, what are you thinking about me privately?” But it wasn’t the case. People don’t sit there and think horrible things about others; everyone is just so harsh on themselves. I’m really aware of that now. But my good friends have also stopped talking badly about themselves, so it’s been a growing up experience together.
I can’t say enough how lifechanging it is once you let yourself be okay with what you look like. I used to say no to everything, and I’m so upset with myself because of all the opportunities I turned down. All my girlfriends went away to an island for a holiday and I said no because the idea of myself in a bikini was the worst thought that could ever be. I didn’t go, I don’t have that memory. It really held me back.
A few years ago I went on a trip to Vanuatu with Guy and I had the most incredible time at the resort and in the pool. I bought seven bikinis, I spent so much money and they were gorgeous and amazing. It was my first time in a bikini since I was 13 – it took 10 years of spending every single summer refusing to get into a swimsuit.
I understand what it’s like to be sick of being sad. Sick of missing out. Sick of being hot in summer because I refuse to take off jeans and a longsleeved top, so people won’t see my arms or thighs. You have to remember that this is it – this is the only life you get. It takes time – you don’t just wake up one morning and go, “Damn, I’m amazing.” Whenever you hear those bad thoughts in your ear, you’ve got to counteract that very quickly. I used to sit there and think of all the incredible things about my friends and family, and it was always to do with their minds or personalities. It was never, ‘Oh, I like her because she’s good-looking.’ But we think that’s what people think about us. It takes work and it takes time but oh my gosh, it’s worth it in the end. To be able to live a life where you say yes to everything and you enjoy yourself, and don’t let yourself stop you.