COUNTRY DIARY

When two much-loved country helpers break down, old school ways take over.

Whoever invented the pull-start motor should be shot. I’ve been saying this out loud a lot this month as I’ve been attempting to get my ancient rotary hoe and my almost-as-ancient quad bike going.

For those who aren’t familiar with this ridiculous invention you pull a cord and that sends a bit of energy to the spark plug which then fires and starts the engine. Most lawnmowers have them.

So far I calculate that I have pulled both quad and hoe at least 200 times with no joy and now my right bicep is noticeably bigger than the left.

My father has been the recipient of quite a few lectures on the pull-start motor and how it must have been a man who invented such a stupid thing. And how old machinery should be replaced by solar-powered starter units and how I have no idea how he has put up with this sham engine design all his life.

Dad is quite good with motors, so after my fourth breakdown in his house about the state of my hoe and quad he consented to come and have a look.

First we got new spark plugs for both. No joy.

He then let me in on a secret known only to old men who have been around pull-start motors for a long time.

What you do is take the spark plug out, drip in a bit of petrol (I asked how much and he said about a dessertspoonful – a suitably outdated measurement), put the spark plug back in and start it. We did this and no joy. I pulled, he pulled, my husband pulled. We all pulled. No joy.

Then I tried the sun treatment. This has worked in the past with the hoe. You wheel them out on a sunny day and let them warm up.

They sat side by side on the driveway warming up and I ignored them. They knew they were in the naughty corner. I didn’t have to hammer it home.

Meanwhile I am having to dig my garden myself. In the old days when the rotary hoe started, digging the garden over was done in a matter of minutes. My old hoe is an excellent soil cutter and could clear a garden very efficiently. I am lost without him.

I now dig row by row, turning the soil, making sure it’s dug deep enough for my plant roots to penetrate and I moan about my back and my knees and my arms. I stumble in at the end of the day and take a long bath, cursing the pull-start motor.

The biggest tragedy, however, is the lack of fishing. My quad bike was bought specifically for the job of towing my boat down to the water to launch it. That’s all it has to do and it is very good at it. It can go onto soft sand and not get stuck. It can even go in a bit of water and still not get stuck.

I do not have a tow bar on my car and even if I did I could not use it to tow my boat because it was made in 2018 and specifically says in the manual that it should not be used for towing. Who invents a car that can’t tow something? More madness.

My boat sits in the garage next to the quad bike and that is where they stay.

I have started a savings account to buy a new quad bike with an electric starter, but meanwhile I’ll be calling in my friend who does our lawns and clears our gutters and is basically my go-to guy when something needs doing that I can’t do.

Last time, he came and started the quad after much thought and fiddling about with various spanners and screwdrivers. I didn’t watch because I was sulking and didn’t like the quad bike very much for not starting.

He got it going and wisely told me to start it every week so that this wouldn’t happen again. I went overseas on holiday and forgot to remind Dad, so here we are.

But this time I’m going to stand by and watch what he does. I’m going to learn to be a quad bike and hoe mechanic because whoever invented the pull-start motor will not win.

Not this time.

“I stumble in at the end of the day and take a long bath, cursing the pull-start motor.”