NOSTALGIA THREE
Millennial Calum Henderson wants some of the 90s back.
It is with a heavy heart I must report the baby boomers are at it again. This time it’s not the property market but our nostalgia television channels being monopolised by the over-50s.
This weekend SKY has launched the cryptically-named “JONES! too” as a companion to existing channel JONES!, effectively doubling their content from the so-called good old days. The list of new old shows screening on JONES! too includes
The Golden Girls, One Day at a Time and Moonlighting.
These titles mean nothing to my fickle millennial eyes. They merely represent yet another market I have been locked out of. Why do the dastardly boomers get to have a monopoly on nostalgia too?
A fervent JONES! apologist may point to the small print of the TV Guide, which shows the channel does in fact screen the distinctly 90s Beverly Hills 90210 ,a crumb of millennial nostalgia swept off the banquet table. Some may point out that there are several other SKY entertainment channels full of content so dated they basically perform the same function, but that’s not the same.
The more economically-minded may produce a spreadsheet justifying JONES!’ programming as a result of boomers being the only New Zealanders who still have SKY subscriptions. This is probably fair enough. The press release announcing the arrival of JONES! too claimed that since its launch in 2013 the original JONES! has been “consistently among SKY’s most watched [channels]”, which possibly says more about the quality of all the network’s other channels than it does about JONES!.
It also begs the question: why, in the age of “Peak TV”, are audiences apparently flocking back to the 1970s? The simple answer is probably that Peak TV is exhausting to watch. After a while you can’t really blame someone for choosing the warmth of a studio sitcom laugh track over another
Game of Thrones torture scene.
The appeal of JONES! is plain to see, and I’m not mad about the arrival JONES! too — just bitterly, bitterly jealous. I am standing at the door of the nostalgia television party screaming “let me in!” while the boomers are all inside chuckling at a Mork & Mindy reference I’m too young to understand.
I don’t begrudge the Boomers their nostalgia. I like the idea that seeing Bruce Willis sing My Girl on Moonlighting could make someone’s week. Please don’t take that away from them.
Instead, my humble millennial demand of SKY Television is this: I want a third JONES! channel, dedicated to my beloved shows of the 1990s. Here are some suggestions to get the ball rolling.
ALF
This is an absolute gimme — ALF started in 1986, so it’s old enough to be on JONES! too. The wise-cracking alien hasn’t been seen on New Zealand TV in ages; I suspect the show is a lot weirder than most people remember.
Ghostwriter
What became of the benevolent ghost who helped inner-city New York kids solve crimes? Ghostwriter’s intense week-long story arcs were a high-water mark of 90s children’s drama — who cares if the kids of today are too busy on their fidget spinners to appreciate it, bring it back.
Heroes
The re-enactments of remarkable Kiwi heroism performed on Heroes with Philip Alpers were hands-down the best New Zealand drama produced in the 90s or maybe ever. Should be playing on a loop in Te Papa, but a mid-afternoon time slot on SKY would also do.
Gladiators (UK)
Remember “Wolf”? Man was a pure psycho! He runs a gym in West Auckland now.
Popular
Remember Mary Cherry? The high school comedy-drama Ryan Murphy made before he made Glee gained a minor cult following in New Zealand as a result of being on every afternoon during one school holidays. Very underrated; deserves a second chance.
Sister Sister
Teen sitcom in which twin sisters Tia and Tamera were subject to constant harassment by their neighbour Roger. Will hindsight reveal him to have been a bona fide sex pest or was he actually woke? Only one way to find out, put it back on.
Party of Five
This is already on Netflix in all its brooding glory but the fact is you can’t have a credible 90s nostalgia channel without the Salinger family and their never-ending supply of teenage angst. Forget about Peak TV. Party of Five is Peak 90s.