Secrets to a happy marriage
As the next instalment of Married at First Sight nears, we’re all a little bit on the edge of our seats. What’s going to happen with Luke and Lacey? So much potential.
Both such lovely people. So many complementary traits. One of our most exciting matches.
But at the cocktail party, they just couldn’t seem to get on the same page.
Their attempts at communication were full of frustration and stonewalling. Or to be more accurate, Lacey was just not able to “hear” Luke. He was doing his best to explain his point of view, and to apologise for upsetting her.
But it was falling on deaf ears.
So what was going on here? Why was Lacey so upset? And why were Luke’s attempts to repair the situation so futile? This situation represents what many of us can go through in moments of relationship disharmony. Let’s start at the beginning.
At Luke and Lacey’s wedding, I noticed Lacey was really quick to pick up on Luke’s use of humour, his banter, and even started giving back. There at the altar, she started inserting humour into the interaction herself.
Lacey (consciously or unconsciously) picked up on Luke’s tendency to be jovial, and adjusted her behaviour to suit his personality. This would have indicated to Luke (consciously or unconsciously), that his personality, behaviour and humour were not only “okay” but also desirable and reciprocated.
But later, it became clear other expectations she had were not being met.
Lacey, like many of us, went into the relationships with a set of hopes and desires. She probably expected Luke to be more forward or more likely to display vulnerability with his new wife.
When this didn’t happen during the honeymoon, Lacey still didn’t communicate her needs or expectations.
Although Luke’s banter was starting to get on her nerves, Lacey’s emotional walls started to creep up, as she waited for him to “make a move” or show a bit more of himself.
Unfortunately, Luke had no idea this was going on. The pitfall many of us fall into at this stage is that we don’t directly communicate our needs. And this leads
HFor more MAFS , go to: nzherald.co.nz to a growing sense of frustration that may be displayed in subtle and passive ways — rather that communicated directly, respectfully and with intent.
One partner might be completely in the dark, unable to see that all is not roses.
The growing sense of dissatisfaction came to a head for Lacey when she heard a rumour about Luke’s possible ulterior motives for being on MAFS. That was enough to trigger her departure from the honeymoon — much to Luke’s surprise.
A few days later, they arrive separately at the cocktail party, where an awkward greeting sets the scene. Luke’s attempts at making a connection with Lacey are refuted, misrepresented or misunderstood. This dynamic happens in so many relationships.
Psychologically, Lacey felt rejected by Luke’s lack of attempts to be more intimate with her emotionally and/or physically. She put herself out there, but didn’t feel it was reciprocated.
When we feel rejected, we typically go into a self-protective stance.
One partner might be completely in the dark, unable to see that all is not roses.
This can mean we stop approaching a situation rationally — because we’re in selfpreservation mode. Because our ego is hurt, it makes us feel better to make the other person “wrong”.
It’s much harder to own up to being hurt or to address the real issue of the pain and disappointment causing that hurt.
By the cocktail party, Lacey’s defensive walls were up, all the way. Luke could not get through to her, no matter how he tried.
This is a common pattern in intimate relationships.
Instead of communicating what is at the heart of our frustration and anger (typically hurt), we find it easier to hold the other person responsible for our feelings. We want to “make them pay”.
This can feel empowering, but it doesn’t address the core issue, typically of hurt and miscommunication.
Anger is a really important emotion (we get angry when we feel our rights have been trampled on or when we haven’t been treated how we’d like to be), but underneath anger, is usually hurt.
We are hurt our loved one did something we didn’t like. We feel they should have known better, even if we haven’t communicated our needs to them. But of course, no one is a mind reader.
This is a classic case of miscommunication — or a lack of communication about expectations and needs — that has escalated.
Adults in relationships need to own their feelings and communicate their needs and desires. And say sorry if they’ve been careless.
The question is — will Luke and Lacey be able to move past this? Will they be able to talk about the real issues at hand?
At the wedding, Lacey gave Luke two thumbs up. And Luke really likes Lacey. Will they be take a deep breath, regroup, own their parts and talk about the real issue at hand? I really do hope so.