It’s fine without a phone

Our culture has changed immensely as a result of the smartphone. We can get reassurance for every doubt just by texting our friends. We can feel approval by getting “likes” on our Instagram post or Facebook status.

But heavy reliance on devices is responsible for a shift in how we regulate our emotions.

A byproduct of this instant communication is a diminished ability to sit with uncertainty. Intolerance to uncertainty has been shown to underlie a range of psychological difficulties.

Psychologists could consider a person’s over-reliance on their phones as a “safety seeking behaviour” which reduces anxiety in the moment.

But over time, safety behaviours feed anxiety because they prevent people from realising their fear has no basis once the situation has actually unfolded, or that it is something they’re able to cope with.

This is particularly problematic for children, whose ability to build resilience may be disrupted by such behaviours.

Unfortunately some apps, such as Messenger and the “read” message setting of the iPhone tell the sender whether the other person is online or has read their message.

We need to retrain ourselves, and our teenagers, to stand up to such clear manipulation of their Fomo (Fear of Missing Out) and fear of rejection.

Learning to face uncertainty is essential to managing our mental health.

We know that uncertainty in positive areas, such as new relationships, reading an exciting book that slowly leads to the reveal or receiving a wrapped present heightens our emotions.

Gambling, app notifications and emojis play on this mechanism.

Imagine the slight buzz you get when you receive a warm text from a friend you particularly like.

Phone notifications take advantage of this sense of anticipation.

They interfere with our concentration and pull our attention back to the device.

By contrast, uncertainty in areas of personal importance, such as being afraid that we might not keep a job, imagining that we are disliked by someone that we like, or fearing we have failed an exam destabilises many of us.

It leads to a desire to eliminate the uncertainty quickly, a second hook that can pull us back to leaning on the device.

Smart phones and social media apps mean we can easily contact other people to obtain reassurance when facing a worrying situation, instead of coping with it ourselves.

Using phones to push the worry on to another person prevents people from learning self management.

Often, we don’t realise that after a little while (and sometimes a lot of distraction), the unpleasant feeling will go away. Keep in mind the old adage that “no news is good news”.

And to help children build resilience, we need to show them we can sit with our own uncertainty.

Have times when the phone is switched completely off during the day and evening.

Leave it at home deliberately. Set up days for your children that are phone free.

We all need to show ourselves that we are fine without our phones.

Safety behaviours feed anxiety because they prevent people from realising their fear has no basis.