WHO’S PAYING? DATING RULES IN THE #METOO ERA
Gender etiquette is under scrutiny in the #MeToo era,
‘Do you want to split the bill?” the 20-something Aucklander asks on the first date. “I’ve actually got no money on me at the moment,” she answers as they approach the till at the swanky SkyCity restaurant, “I didn’t think I needed to bring money.”
“Do you just expect the man to pay?” he answers, adding, “Okay, I think that’s kinda sexist, eh?”
A clip of the experience, captured on camera for TVNZ’s First Dates NZ, went viral around the world.
The dater, Tian Tan, posted it on Facebook himself, receiving 1.2 million views within 14 hours. Some commenters got angry. The days of men paying for first dates should be long gone, they said. It’s patronising even if he offers — a hint that females are the weaker sex, that the gender pay gap is still very much alive — rather than a polite gesture.
It continued the conversation around gender and dating etiquette — which, in the era of #MeToo, appears as clear as mud for some.
The movement began gathering steam in October 2017, when allegations of sexual misconduct emerged against film producer and Miramax co-founder Harvey Weinstein.
But more confounding questions about gender stereotypes were at play much earlier than that, especially in the workplace.
When you genuinely fancy a colleague how do you ask them on a date without risking an HR complaint?
Can you comfort an upset coworker by putting your arm around them or patting their hand?
And are you ever allowed to comment on someone’s appearance?
Are we overthinking it? Isn’t it just common sense?
Many of the very best-intentioned men — and women — are confused.
An aspiring actor and social media influencer, Tan, 26, has been on dates in the #MeToo era, since the show, and says it shouldn’t be that difficult.
“I think if any one person pursues another person with respect, kindness, compassion, love and all that good stuff, there would be less of a need for these sorts of campaigns,” he tells the Herald on Sunday.
“But I appreciate that they do play an important role in changing negative behaviours and attitudes.” Across the two seasons of the First Dates show, producers say they have seen equal incidences of men footing the bill, and couples splitting the cost of the meal.
“The payment of the bill really comes down to the people involved and their feelings on the matter,” says a spokesman for TVNZ.
“The dates shown are authentic, right down to the final bill, so it is left up to the couple to decide how they pay up.”
Even Hollywood stars are struggling on the dating scene.
Superman actor Henry Cavill told the Australian edition of GQ magazine he was now too scared to chat up women in case he ends up being branded a rapist. He had been asked whether the #MeToo movement had made him reflect on his own behaviour towards women.
“I think a woman should be wooed and chased, but maybe I’m oldfashioned for thinking that,” he said. “It’s very difficult to do that if there are certain rules in place. Because then it’s like, ‘Well, I don’t want to go up and talk to her, because I’m going to be called a rapist or something’. “Now you really can’t pursue someone further than, ‘No’. It’s like, ‘Ok, cool’. But then there’s the, ‘Oh, why’d you give up?’ And it’s like, ‘Well, because I didn’t want to go to jail’.” Many on social media were critical of Cavill’s comments,
with one person commenting: “If you can’t tell the difference between welcome flirting and harassment/assault, you have a big problem.”
Cavill subsequently apologised and said he always held women in the highest regard.
When Dr Katherine Ravenswood, whose teaching areas at Auckland University of Technology include gender and diversity at work and HR management, first “heard angst over how men are supposed to know what to do in the #MeToo era” she was bemused.
“My response is: if you respect women and respect people, listen to them and don’t treat them as if they are there for your entertainment and/ or needs then you have nothing to worry about.
“That goes for at work too. And as we’ve heard with the example of law firms — which won’t be the only profession — it seems that some men have not realised that the workplace is about work, not dating or sexual gratification. Sexual harassment and gender discrimination is illegal.”
The legal industry was in the spotlight this year after accusations of inappropriate sexual behaviour and excessive drinking, notably at Russell McVeagh.
Auckland University’s Professor Nicola Gavey, a psychologist who teaches courses on gender and sexuality, says questions around gender etiquette did not emerge when #MeToo did.
“I don’t think I can pretend to know what the unwritten rules are . . . they will differ in different contexts and different parts of the community. These kinds of questions and dilemmas are not new — they were explicitly on the table, similar to how they are now, 40 years ago.”
Women are becoming more vocal and sexual abuse helplines have seen a surge in reports of historic incidents.
Filmmaker Chelsea Winstanley, wife of Taika Waititi, last month revealing she made a sexual harassment complaint about a camera operator while they were filming some nine years ago.
It affected her work life and saw her seek the safety of producing films rather than directing. It is the first known #MeToo-esque example in the Kiwi film and TV industry.
And more is being done to identify and recognise the issues.
New Zealand’s Law Society announced a working group, chaired by Dame Silvia Cartwright, focusing on sexual harassment reporting, as well as the development of an online portal and helpline for confidential reporting of harassment.
The society held a national survey which discovered one in five lawyers had been sexually harassed in the workplace.
As for Tian Tan, he says he’ll keep dating and will be maintaining his position on the etiquette of paying for dinner. “It should be an even split.”