Know the boundaries
Asking a colleague out
AUT’s Dr Katherine Ravenswood says work should only be about work, but if you like someone, think about how you might become friends.
“Perhaps you have coffee breaks together and you think that you could be friends outside work. Ask if they want to meet up after work one day. If they say no, then that’s your answer. Leave it there.”
But if you’re the boss — or even a team leader — steer clear of younger staff, she stresses.
“You have more power than them in the workplace. Like it or not, you can affect their experiences of work for both good and bad. Don’t ask them out. Get over it. Or quit your job, and then ask them out.”
Her colleague, senior lecturer Pani Farvid, one of the resident psychologists on Married at First
Sight NZ, agrees.
“When you are in a workplace, the primary concern should be professionalism and appropriate work boundaries. Ideally, superiors should not proposition those junior to them, due to the inherent power imbalance.”
The moment someone says no, you should respect that and drop it, she says.
“Playing hard to get is outdated and no longer a legitimate excuse to keep pursuing someone.”
Who’s paying?
Farvid, whose research includes casual sex and online dating, says the concept of expecting men to pay is also outdated.
It comes from the practice of “treating” in the early 1900s in the US, where working-class girls would trade their time, company and sometimes intimate acts with men who would pay for them to get into into dance halls, and buy drinks and dinner.
“It was not deemed sex work at the time — but sat somewhere in between prostitution and courting. Our contemporary dating culture or the need for a man to pay for dates, in part stems from these historic practices.
“I think the expectation should be that it is 50/50 unless otherwise stated. For example, if someone says, ‘This is on me as I asked you out’, or if a woman offers to pay but the man says, ‘I’ll get the next one’.”
That said, she adds, the gender pay gap may mean a ratio needs to be worked out.
Wolf-whistling, honking
The general consensus about noises made when passing a woman — carhonking, wolf-whistling, hissing or kissing sounds — is, it’s a no-no.
Professor Nicola Gavey from Auckland University says the act is either explicitly hostile or a thoughtless assertion of dominance.
“With things like the grunts and groans some of that is pure harassment — that’s pretty obvious.”
Farvid says it is sexist and a form of sexual harassment.
Ravenswood, however, is much more blunt on this topic: “Are you an animal?” Unsolicited advice
Ever been told: “Smile, it may never happen”?
Gavey says it can be acceptable if someone slips in a “cheer up love” as part of a caring conversation.
“But most women have probably experienced these kinds of random statements, which are just aggravating power plays.
“I think things like telling strangers to smile is patronising.”
Ravenswood says that before giving advice to women, men should stop and think.
“Are you their work friend? What would you say to a man? If you’re not their friend and you wouldn’t say it to a man, then keep your mouth shut. What’s wrong with, ‘Hi, how are you?’.”
Farvid points to “mansplaining”, when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending or patronising manner.
“Only offer advice when you are asked for it, no matter what the gender of either party.”
Oh please, after you
There is a classic and useful theory in social psychology when it comes to some acts that are seen by society as chivalrous, like offering your seat for a women on the bus, or opening a door for them, Farvid says.
Benevolent sexism — when we treat women differently, just because they are women, especially in a protective or paternalistic manner — is a form of covert sexism.
“My rule of thumb is, such acts of ‘kindness’ should be first and foremost reserved for those who are less able in some way — elderly, injured, disabled, pregnant. And gender should not play a part (except for pregnancy), otherwise it is sexist.
“If you would not do it for a man — why are you doing it for a woman? We should all be kind and open doors for each other, regardless of gender.”
Heavy lifting
We all sometimes need help — for example, if you’re carrying lots of stuff or looking after young children on public transport, Gavey says.
And some will need assistance because of different physical capacities — but gender is not a reason.
“Hopefully we are moving towards a point where they wouldn’t feel demeaned by the thought of someone doing it for them.
“The reason feminists might have highlighted these kinds of practices as something to think about, is that if you are being offered an extra hand just because you are a woman, the subtext is that you are weaker, you need special protection because of this, just because of your gender.”
Ravenswood says men should never assume women can’t lift something.
“Women are strong and physical too, and sometimes stronger than men. How about putting a health and safety lens on it and assessing, together, how to move or lift things safely. Perhaps more than one person is required anyway. Don’t not give women tasks because you think they won’t be strong enough.”
You look ravishing Ravenswood says that in the workplace everyone dresses to professionally impress, but work performance isn’t reliant upon looks. “Just don’t.”
Faux feminism
Comments like, “If I were less of a feminist, I’d want to grab you,” are forms of modern prejudice or modern forms of sexism or racism, Farvid says.
“Because it is now less acceptable to be overtly prejudiced, people engage in covert or modern forms of prejudice, often by giving a disclaimer, but then go on to say something offensive or problematic. Such as, ‘I’m not racist, but . . .’
“If the sentiment of sexism is in the words we utter — it’s still sexism, even if it comes with a disclaimer.”
“Our contemporary dating culture or the need for a man to pay for dates, in part stems from historic practices.” Pani Farvid