HOW TO SEX UP YOUR LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP DURING LOCKDOWN

Sending pics? Always keep some form of clothing on.

Last week I dedicated my column to all those brand new couples who have been torn apart by lockdown, and are now struggling to keep the spark alive while they’re pining for each other in separate bubbles.

Because unlike married and long-term couples, whom I assume are already shacked up in one bubble, I know heaps of people who had only been on a couple of dates before this damn pandemic meant they couldn’t see their crush again for an entire month.

Fear not, mopey lovesick puppies — I’m here to help with even more tips on how to maintain a longdistance relationship during lockdown..

1

Find another pining, lovesick sailor in the same boat

Remember my wise friend Victoria from last week’s column, the one who taught me how to Facetime without worrying about looking like a sexy camgirl? She’s the Miranda to my Carrie, and she too is trying to keep the flame alive with someone she’s dating — who is, devastatingly, outside her bubble.

Three weeks, too much wine and countless stress and separation-induced quarrels with our men later, we have realised the only way our relationships will survive this pandemic is if we have daily venting sessions with each other.

I can’t stress enough the importance of avoiding smug, cohabiting couples and instead having catch-ups with someone in the same grumpy “starcrossed lovers” situation as you — and if you don’t know anyone who fits the bill, remember my DMs are always open.

2

Get creative with Grand Gestures

Just remember, horror of horrors, back in the olden days we didn’t even have stuff like Uber Eats discount codes or fancy dinners at The French Cafe as a way of wooing our dates. So now, what better time to be inspired by the romantic grand gestures of times of yore?

Make like your grandparents did, and romantically throw rocks at their window (from at least 10m away) or put a handwritten note in their letterbox (taped to a packet of Dettol wipes, this is a pandemic).

Or even better — support one of your local businesses and online shop them a gift. Case in point, last week my long-distance boyfriend sent me a “cheer up” designer dress and now I’m absolutely milking my lockdown sulk in the hope of a being given a new car.

3

It’s time to bring out the big guns

Now, while under normal circumstances I would never recommend or condone sending saucy pictures, these are not normal circumstances.

And I’m sure I don’t need to remind you to only ever send a saucy pic to another consenting adult whom you trust completely. And remember that if it all goes tits up (sorry, I couldn’t resist), sharing someone’s intimate images or video is image-based abuse under the Harmful Digital Communications Act and can be an offence under New Zealand law.

If you’re ever worried about a photo you shared with someone, Netsafe talk to people in situations like this every day and can help you get the content removed. Okay, if you’re still keen — my top tips for sending pictures are:

1 Always keep some form of clothing on (I know this sounds like it defeats the purpose, but I reckon it’s sexier and more mysterious — just go with me).

2 Take the photos in a mirror, so you’re not firing blind and can keep your chins in check (Also, do not under any circumstances take the photo from above your head, it’s very “Bebo 2008”).

3 For an absolute LOL — send them when the lucky receiver is least expecting them — e.g. when you know they’re in a Zoom conference call. Hehe.