Upgr ad e y o u rs elf

Busi­ness suc­cess is all about main­tain­ing an edge and us­ing the var­i­ous tools at your dis­posal – whether it's tech­no­log­i­cal, psy­cho­log­i­cal, phys­i­o­log­i­cal or cul­tural – to crush weaker op­po­nents and spit on their graves. Oh, sorry, what was that? Busi­nesse

Idealog - - THE IDEA LOG -

Get­ting your­self in the right frame of mind is key if you want to party like a cap­i­tal­ist. Bul­let­proof cof­fee in the morn­ing? So passe. I start the day with Ir­ish Turmeric Plant­based Co­conut Yak But­ter Cof­fee, which is the new ‘it’ drink in the Val­ley. Hi­malayan Salted Caramel Kom­bucha is also renowned for its life-giv­ing prop­er­ties. Get it In­dia! And I mean that lit­er­ally, be­cause in­ject­ing these bev­er­ages rather than drink­ing them will make them 42% more ef­fec­tive.

When others zig, I zag. So if you are truly at the top of your game and push­ing en­velopes, you need to move away from any­thing that is re­motely main­stream and start a new diet fad. I rec­om­mend the gluten only diet, where a healthy sprin­kling of gluten is added to ev­ery meal. Strong!

Be hon­est. You have a prob­lem. You can­not ig­nore the grav­i­ta­tional pull of the phone. You pick it up hun­dreds, if not thou­sands, of times a day, and you even whip it out when you’re in the toi­let. You are wast­ing pre­cious op­po­nent crush­ing time. So in­stead of bow­ing down to the phone, put it to use. Down­load my new pro­duc­tiv­ity app, The Buz­zness, which gives you a vi­o­lent shock if you pick it up too of­ten. Like a dog with an elec­tri­fied col­lar, you will even­tu­ally learn the er­ror of your ways and be­come more pro­duc­tive. Stud­ies have shown that busi­ness suc­cess is al­most al­ways tied to clas­si­cal con­di­tion­ing.

When the body is strong, the mind is strong. And my body is a tem­ple (in some cases, quite lit­er­ally). Main­tain op­ti­mum busi­ness per­for­mance by do­ing all your ex­er­cis­ing in a house of wor­ship. Ac­tivewear never felt so pi­ous. Do you even lift, Bud­dha?

You might not know it, but you’re prob­a­bly sit­ting there read­ing this to­tally in­flamed. So take a leaf out of the Wim Hof book and do all your work with your head in the freezer, put an ice pack on your groin as you com­plete your lat­est pitch deck and/or turn the heat­pump down to 16 for all meet­ings. As he says, the cold is a door­way to the soul. And if the team can’t han­dle the lack of heat, get them out of the kitchen! Soon enough you will be in busi­ness beast mode (and you’ll be head­ing up Mt Taranaki in your jan­dals in the week­end – with hardly any frost­bite to speak of).

AI is typ­i­cally very good at the things hu­mans are not so good at. So put this power to use to free up your time. Find an AI that can clean your shower, go to your chil­dren’s par­ent teacher in­ter­views or even make love to your part­ner (if that’s too far, at least let it cap­ture your data), thereby leav­ing you more time to win in busi­ness.

Good work­ers look down. Good lead­ers look up. So open your eyes and ex­pand your hori­zons with some macro dos­ing. Every­thing in mod­er­a­tion? Sad! We live in a time of plenty and the re­search doesn’t lie. Ti­mothy Leary was on the money and big quan­ti­ties of LSD are proven to in­spire creativ­ity, so pop a tab on the tongue be­fore that big pitch and try not to worry about the bleed­ing walls. The flashes of in­spo you’ll get will all be worth it.

As we are typ­i­cally only do­ing one thing at a time, we are wast­ing an op­por­tu­nity to do other things, so get multi-task­ing. Buy some vac­uum slip­pers and wear them while you walk around the of­fice. Eat your lunch on the loo. Or per­haps get one of those bionic suits so you can send in­struc­tions to un­der­lings while your ex­oskele­ton walks you to your next meet­ing.

Well­ness is all the rage these days. There are well­ness pro­grammes to keep staff happy, well­ness ton­ics and tinc­tures to keep peo­ple on point and well­ness cen­tres to drain your cash. So take it up a notch and main­tain your well­ness by set­ting up a re­mote of­fice in an ac­tual well, where you can truly ded­i­cate your­self to the hard work re­quired to dom­i­nate. Be sure to keep large stocks of ginkgo, fish oil, gotu kola, mag­ne­sium, nootrop­ics and vi­ta­min D to make up for the lack of nat­u­ral light.

Hi, I’m the Idea Log, Idea­log's spirit 'an­i­mal'. Did you know wood prod­ucts are New Zealand’s third big­gest ex­port earner? You did? Well, given your sur­pris­ing knowl­edge of our in­dus­try sec­tors, you’ll also know that it is a low-value com­mod­ity. And...

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