A mindful way of parenting
Being happier and calmer can be just a few thoughts away, writes Ewan Sargent.
Anew book offers hope for stressed new parents who want to learn how to calm down and enjoy deeper family bonds.
Mindfulness of Mums and Dads is by Australian psychiatrist Diana Korevaar, and as the title suggests, she says mindfulness training is the key. By learning how to change their reactions to the challenges of being new parents, Korevaar says they can become more positive and satisfied and ultimately much happier.
Two questions come to mind. What is a psychiatrist – an expert who prescribes drugs for the mentally ill – doing pushing New Age mind training techniques? And why do young parents need this anyway, when the modern human has been successfully giving birth and rasing families for a couple of hundred thousand years without it?
Korevaar happily fields both. She’s a Sydney-based perinatal psychiatrist. Her day job is dealing with people who are at the extreme end of coping badly with the arrival of a new family member. Korevaar says she medicates when it’s needed. But the simple answer is mindfulness training works well. There are no side-effects, it’s free and it’s a tool people can use for the rest of their lives.
‘‘I see people go from being quite frightened and concerned to find an inner sort of resilience and strength. I find it very rewarding. Some of these people say they are glad everything came undone because now they are living their life in a very different way.’’
As to why we need it now, Korevaar says it’s because the world we live in has changed. Our brains are wired for negativity. Being on guard and easily fearful worked well for us in the past when it kept us alert to sabretoothed tigers.
But constant flight-and-fight responses now are just more clutter that impacts on good decision making. And modern brains are bombarded with information through our digital lifestyles, much of it negative.
‘‘So when we are required to really tune into others, when we are required to manage our fears and anxieties and get perspective, the brain is logically not in a very good place to do that,’’ Korevaar says.
Another change is the way babies are raised in modern communities. ‘‘Young mothers are sent home with tiny babies before they have established settled breast-feeding, or whatever form of feeding, and often their own parents, their grandparents are still in the workforce. Communities are not as close and supportive because of the pressures of modern days.’’
Young mums have it tough, she says. In the middle of all this stress, it’s hard for them to find answers around their fears and doubts. And they are under pressure to always put on the best possible face – the way you do on Facebook. As an example, Korevaar talks of dressed-up young mums in full makeup turning up to new parent support groups.
Research shows people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking. They are least happy when they are resting, working or on the computer at home. Korevaar says the wandering mind is the cause, not the consequence, of unhappiness. Training it to stop wandering is where mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness surfaced in the western world about three decades ago.
Korevaar describes it as the
way in which we develop an awareness of what the mind is doing , then learn to be ‘‘just really present in the moment’’ because the mind is always racing ahead or going over what has happened. ‘‘Mindfulness involves being able to regulate strong emotion and be very skilful in our mind as to what it’s about.’’
Researchers have shown that mindfulness training can physically change the brain and create new neural connections.
Mindfulness techniques also help people connect better by getting them to focus properly on interactions. Korevaar gives an example of a stressed mum trying to handle toddler tantrums who uses her mindfulness tools.
‘‘She might just view things from a different perspective and start to learn how to modify what she is doing in the moment. She might start talking more slowly, using a different tone, watching her own facial expressions, keeping good eye contact with the child, and not being too distracted.’’
From this flows calmness, focus and understanding and the child will respond positively and also be calmer. By learning how to change the reaction to stressful things, Korevaar says new mums and dads can become more positive and satisfied and ultimately much happier.
The book explores techniques and the science behind it as well as offering case studies. But Korevaar admits while she’s targeted new mums and dads, it works for anyone looking for a way out of the frazzled, stressful life they seem to be lost in.
Mindfulness for Mums and Dads,
by Dr Diana Korevaar. Murdoch Books, $30.