If you want to be defeatist about it ...
OPINION: Trigger warning: reading this could traumatise you; it will take you to places you do not wish to go and pose questions you will not want to ponder.
Right, duty to readers done, strap yourselves in - you must now consider which New Zealand sporting shambles you’d least want to see.
Is it defeat in the rugby series against the touring Lions, or Team New Zealand getting sunk off Bermuda in the America’s Cup?
To help, let’s portray New Zealand in the wake of each of those shocking outcomes, so you can better imagine the pain. It would help capture the mood if you can hum the theme to The Exorcist in an ominous key, as you read.
LIONS:
The British and Irish Lions have won the three-test series against the world champion All Blacks, 3-0 winning by identical 28-25 scorelines.
Leigh Halfpenny was the hero for the tourists, kicking 21 penalties in the tests - seven in each game - with a penalty try awarded in each test, all for pulling down the maul. Those Lions were good at mauling.
Goalkicking and forward power won the series, with the All Blacks running in 15 tries, 11 of them from counter-attacks that started in their own 22m; three were created by fullback Ben Smith, after he opted to run the ball out from behind his own goal-line.
One of those, scored by Owen Franks galloping in for his first
test try from 40 metres out after 12 All Blacks handled, fending off Johnny Sexton and running over the top of Halfpenny has been hailed as the greatest try in test rugby.
Lima Sopoaga set up an audacious five-pointer with an over-the-head reverse chip kick, and Sonny Bill Williams one with an offload he slipped away despite the attentions of eight British tacklers. It was such a shame Beauden Barrett’s kicking radar
was off, though he at least scored seven tries.
New Zealand rugby fans were outraged, booing coach Warren Gatland at Auckland International Airport departures, then starting a petition calling on Prime Minister Bill English to revoke Gatland’s citizenship.
But the British press were ecstatic, with The Times writer Stephen Jones saying ‘‘I have seen the future of rugby, and it’s called Warrenball’’.
AMERICA’S CUP:
Well it’s happened. Team New Zealand were one win away from the America’s Cup only to have a series of maritime disasters befall them, it was a nautical nightmare.
Who can forget Jimmy Spithill sneering ‘‘four more years boys’’ as he skippered Oracle down the final leg?
Wearing a vintage yellow replica cricket top with the words ‘‘Chappell’’ on the back for the final race, he used a million dollar Oracle-funded speaker system floating on buoys to sledge Peter Burling and his crew as Oracle sailed away.
It completed a string of unfortunate races for the Kiwis, with one final leg flip, a hydraulic failure within 10m of the line that allowed Oracle to win by centimetres, and the race when Team New Zealand led by 25 seconds in light winds, only for the race to be called off when it finished one second outside the time limit.
Let’s not mention the collision with a shipping container that cost Team New Zealand one of its boats, nor the controversy when the container was found to be owned by a company in which US magnate Larry Ellison held the bulk of the shares.
OK, that’s enough crystal-ball gazing.
But seriously, which defeat would make you make you most sick? Rugby or yachting. Could you accept either?
Rugby is our national sport, and yet much of our national spirit is tied up in yachting. New Zealand rules the waves, Oracle waives the rules, and all that.
For weeks the America’s Cup has held us in its thrall, with fingernails eaten - left hand for jibes, right hand for tacks, both hands when it seemed ‘‘our’’ boat was about to capsize.
And the rugby - the test series hasn’t kicked off yet, but when it does how will we feel if skill and attack loses to kicks and gritty defence? Not that great I’d surmise.
Think about it. Now, where are my anti-nausea pills and sea sickness meds ...