A family’s pain still runs deep

Janet White has mourned her 3-year-old son Caleb every day since his unexplained death while asleep in the family’s Feilding home during the February 2004 floods.

Small things still trigger memories, such as Bob the Builder – Caleb’s favourite television show. Heavy rain always sparks flashbacks. So does hearing teenagers sitting their driver’s licence, because Caleb would now be 17 and learning to drive.

After her son’s death, White joined Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, an American support group. During August, a banner with 120 photos of children who died without any known cause will visit Feilding. Included is a photo of Caleb.

White said February 18, 2004, was anything but a normal summer day. Caleb, her youngest of four sons at the time, was a typical toddler who strove to keep up with his siblings. He had two seizures six months before his death that doctors put down to a viral infection, but showed no outward signs of being ill as the threat of flooding shut Feilding.

Caleb’s father Neville White was unable to get to work in Palmerston North, while Caleb had fallen asleep at the lunch table and told his mother he wanted an afternoon nap. White woke her son after a few hours, but Caleb replied ‘‘I’m still tired’’ and went back to sleep. She returned not long after to find Caleb face down, his head sunk in his pillow. He was not breathing.

There were no support groups in New Zealand for sudden and unexplained deaths, White said. But it’s an issue hundreds of families face.

Janet White now provides advice to other families around the world. ‘‘When Caleb died suddenly we had never heard of [the support group] – we thought we were the only family in the world who had had a son die an unexplained death,’’ she said. ‘‘People don’t talk about death – it is often a conversation killer, so it’s nice to have people to talk to, even if it is only by email.’’

The support group helped her respond to questions, such as ‘‘how many children do you have?’’. ‘‘When people ask I say I’ve got five boys – the eldest is 28 and the youngest is 12. If they push further, that’s when you go into it,’’ White said.

It took the family years to accept they would never get answers as to why Caleb died. ‘‘We’re now OK that we haven’t got an answer, but it took a long time to come to that point. We know he’s happy up in heaven and we’ll see him again some day.’’

The banner will be on display at Feilding Health Care in about two weeks.