Evidence of the decline of civilisation is everywhere
This challenging procedure involves soap, water and the use of an automatic dryer.
The decline of Western Civilisation: A thesis in five parts:
1. Free the nipple, tread on the toe
In a stunt seemingly inspired by Boobs on Bikes, pornographer Steve Crow’s semi-annual celebration of motorised mammaries, a pair of ‘‘freespirited’’ 17-year-olds from Waikato Diocesan School for Girls elect to give the lads exactly what they want, driving through Hamilton Boys’ High sans tops and sense.
An enamoured soccer player is so awestruck that he fails to get out of the way. He is run over by female empowerment.
Meanwhile, at my alma mater, Rotorua Boys’, a more masculine display of body confidence is the order of the day.
Stripping down to their smalls, 30 gentlemen route march to John Paul College, an affront, if not a direct challenge, to Catholic sexual repression.
The John Paul principal tells media that his year 7 and 8 girls ‘‘don’t want to be seeing this’’. Puberty suggests otherwise.
2. Washing your hands 101
Intending to gatecrash an enforced retirement function at Waikato University, I arrive early and use the facilities.
Abluting, I am gobstruck by a poster affixed to the wall. A stepby-step series of instructions seeks to lead the reader through the task of washing one’s hands.
This challenging procedure involves soap, water and the use of an automatic dryer. I wonder if the professor of philosophy consults the document on a daily basis, lest he or she has forgotten the fundamentals of hygiene, information that most of us were taught at age 2.
Waikato doesn’t actually have a professor of philosophy – nor, after Friday last, a professor of screen and media – but you know what I mean. Perhaps they needed to trim the arts budget to pay for posters.
3. If you are Tongan and you know it, honk your horn
After inspiring animosity and the odd machete fight on the streets of South Auckland, the intellectual pursuit known at the Rugby League World Cup comes to Hamilton.
There is much communal pray and Christian fellowship. A security guard is ‘‘king hit’’ in the car park before the game.
Because this attack came from the rear, it is impossible for him to turn the other cheek. The most salient aspect of the contest involves car horns in the central business district.
They were honked continually from mid-morning through the wee hours, with all the intensity and discipline of a toddler locked in a vehicle, looking for attention.
Tonga won, apparently.
4. Cowardice in the face of the enemy
A friend, a highly competent professional woman, lives alone. Next door is a gang headquarters. Sounds of violence and intimidation keep her awake at night.
She rings the police for help and is told their policy is not to confront ‘‘patched’’ adversaries unless they, the folk with the law on their side, enjoy overwhelming numerical superiority.
My friend is advised to lock her doors and stay inside to become, in effect, an ostrich with its head in the sand. A hundred years ago, brave men went over the top to certain death. Those who shirked duty – or who failed to protect vulnerable women – were sent white feathers.
5. French farce
Against the advice of clinical experts – and, we might imagine, local candidates – an applicant is appointed out of Canada as chief executive of the Waikato District Heath Board.
He comes with a reputation and a complicated personal life. There is the wife and there are certain other ladies. Scenes are observed in a local pub. Loud arguments, tears before bedtime. Better to take the melodrama off shore. The expense account should cover it. Whilst the cat’s away, the mice do play.
The health board signs up with a Super Rugby franchise. The brand must establish its profile, market share must be maintained. Sick people don’t grow on trees. As scandals break, the chief executive is conveniently on holiday. He declines to face whatever music might be on offer. Best extend the sojourn another fortnight.
A new ward opens at Waikato Hospital. Extra nurses are appointed. Kitchen staff, already overworked and underpaid, just have to make do. Money is tight. Chiefs jerseys don’t come cheap.
Flights to Canada cost plenty. Frequent flier points always come in handy though, if not so much when you’re on a waiting list for a hip replacement.
Chairman Bob initiates an investigation, then changes his mind. There’s no shortage of legal advice. Various interests are apparently in conflict. It’s an employment issue, you understand.
Perish the thought that anyone take responsibility.