Look on the bright side of loneliness
It was only two days since I’d deactivated my Facebook account, and already I felt disconnected. And not in a good way.
I was trying to remove the digital distraction from my life and the ‘‘noise’’ that comes with it. But as a freelancer working from home with little human interaction, I suddenly felt very lonely.
Like an addict in need of a fix, I wanted to jump back online.
I craved mindless chit-chat and the instant gratification only a liked post could provide.
Why was I so ill at ease? Admitting to feeling lonely isn’t always easy. For some, says counsellor and psychotherapist Lesley Loughnan, it can carry stigma and shame.
‘‘Shame makes it difficult for some people to reveal that deep yearning for connection,’’ Loughnan says.
‘‘So there has to be a degree of trust and safety for someone to reach out.’’
Best-selling author Sarah Wilson, who explores loneliness in relation to anxiety in her bookfirst, We Make the Beast Beautiful, believes the stigma stems from our genetic predisposition to belong, and a mistrust of loners.
‘‘We’re programmed to be community-orientated – it’s how we define ourselves as humans,’’ she says.
‘‘Outside the herd we can be seen as a threat.’’
But there are subtle differences between loneliness and solitude.
‘‘Aloneness and solitude don’t have the emotional and psychological attachments of loneliness. Loneliness is a more existential experience, with pain and emotions,’’ says Wilson.
Despite the negative physical and mental-health implications of loneliness, people who feel alone shouldn’t despair – aloneness isn’t necessarily bad. A growing body of research is revealing the benefits of solitude, particularly around empathy, creativity and spirituality.
A 2015 study found that those who felt socially isolated showed increased attention to the world around them.
A similar study reported that there were particularly heightened observations around others’ distress, suggesting that lonely people posses a greater capacity for empathy.
Wilson believes that people who stand apart to observe are often creative and entrepreneurial.
‘‘The evolutionary outsider who sits back from the herd can observe, see patterns and then can create from the ideas and associations.’’
Loughnan suggests an episode of loneliness can be an opportunity to reassess, go deeper and find more connection within. It can lead to greater self-awareness and acceptance.
‘‘Loneliness is often transitional and can be an opportunity to work through intense feelings and consider bigger questions in your life,’’ she says.
‘‘Assessing your current situation and how you got there can help you assess how you move forward.’’
Wilson agrees. ‘‘The ultimate cure is to sit comfortably with yourself and make the most of loneliness. I sit and write about my feelings and enjoy the calmness that solitude can bring, which is rewarding, even when painful.’’
"Shame makes it difficult for some people to reveal that deep yearning for connection." Lesley Loughnan