It’s trivial but play it again, Sam Swift
There was once a private detective called Sam Spade. Now there’s Sam Swift. Spade was a hard-bitten PI created by Dashiell Hammett and played by Humphrey Bogart. Swift comes from a different deck of cards. She’s a soft-bitten, alcoholic actress who once appeared in a police procedural. There’s an ocean of difference.
She’s washed up, that’s the ocean bit. But after 50 days of sobriety, Sam wants to start again. So she trails behind Eddie Valetik, believing, if she learns real gumshoe work, she might get another chance.
Sam was so annoying, I almost changed channels. It might have been better if she failed the 12-step programme and became a raging drunk again. But I didn’t change. And I’m glad. Take Two (TV One, Mondays) started to grow on me.
When she could zip her mouth, Sam was bearable. But too often the zip broke. Eddie was hired to find Lynette, a student, who disappeared in LA. With Sam on a leash, he discovers Lynette’s boyfriend, Ricky, worked for the Deacon, the local mafia boss.
Ricky suddenly suffers from acute and terminal lead poisoning, meaning he was shot in the head. Eddie, Sam and Lynette then trace the Deacon to Judge Noah Chambers’ re-election party. The Deacon and the Judge are the same person. But when the trio face being gunned down, Sam kicks a spare revolver into the hoodlum’s face and he’s overpowered. So is Judge Noah Chambers, who’ll appear in his own chambers. Ah, contrived names! Newspaper publicity credits Sam and, because of the clients she attracts, Eddie’s forced to engage her.
Take Two is trivial, Monday night stuff. There are no familiar faces in the lineup and, from their performances, none will threaten the Academy Awards or hold Oscars aloft. It’s bearable drama and anything is better than Monday’s Criminal Minds.
I much prefer Sam Spade but Sam Swift is starting to grow on me. Play it again, Sam.
Back in New Zealand, 107 army recruits arrive to begin 16 weeks of basic training. This lot are greeted by a tough sergeant and a camera disguised in khaki. Intake (Ma¯ ori, Sky 19, Tuesdays) is a delight.
The 30-minute series is short enough to hold our interest and long enough to know that political correctness has bypassed Waio¯ uru on its way to Massey University.
The NCOS tell it like it is and the recruits have four days, minus mum, dad or their cellphone, to decide whether to join the army. They tell Lance Corporal Camera where they come from, what motivates them and the sacrifices they’ll make to enlist.
They face discipline, admit their lack of fitness, sleep in cubicles, wake at 6am, learn how to make their bed and iron their pants, or the other way round for some misfits. They learn teamwork, companionship, identity and pride, a word uncomfortable to some of us. Well done, Ma¯ ori TV, I hope to see those recruits protecting me in Palmy.
I enjoyed 911 (TV3, Mondays) first time round. If you got bored with firefighters, there was always the police, ambulance and Connie Britton as a 911 dispatcher. But now Connie’s gone and Jennifer Love Hewitt, another retread, is taking her place.
First of all we’re told Jennifer, as Maddie, has left her abusive husband, can’t face people and doesn’t want to be a nurse any more. If my house is smouldering, my nose trapped in the microwave and a crazed geriatric is firing pellets at the venetian blinds, I don’t want Maddie answering my emergency call. She’s trouble.
The episode started impressively. Hector, who owns a tyre shop, fell backwards on the nozzle that fills a car’s tyres and got inflated through his rear end. First responders arrive just in time before Hector floats away and becomes a barrage balloon. No-one lights a fag while they deflate him gently. Hector’s condition is worse than a colonoscopy and I’d stay upwind of him for days.
He thanks them from the bottom of his heart or was it the heart of his bottom?
To this day I can’t believe I viewed Married At First Sight NZ (TV3, Sunday/monday) yet I found it compulsive in a horrifying sort of way. There’s a strange contradiction about agreeing to wed but deciding against consummating the marriage, until you know each other better.
Is it like wanting to die but, before you do, you need to find out what it’s like to live? Whatever their motivation, Fraser and Monique seem well suited. He’s a nerdy policy analyst, she a clucky school teacher. She wants him to cluck and he wants her to roost.
Puppy and kitten season is in full swing at the hospital. Every week there are washing baskets coming in containing litters of cute 2- to 3-day-old puppies and kittens for their checkups.
Their anxious mums with huge breakfast bars are glued to their side, and a bit of care is required to extract the puppies or kittens to check them. Much like the late Steve Irwin retrieving croc eggs. Wasn’t he such an icon?
Cats must sit and laugh and shake their heads at the illmannered puppies while they teach their kittens to groom themselves and lie quietly in the sunniest spot.
But at the other end of the spectrum, a common comment about my life (apart from the hours I work) is: ‘‘I couldn’t be a vet and have to put pets to sleep’’. It is a difficult time and I generally steer well clear of discussing it.
Lately, though, I have had to help several of my older patients at the end of their time and it seems to get more sobering and emotional for me as I get older. We all wish our pets could be with us for longer, but their lifespans are so much shorter than ours.
And rather than dwell on that, I recently gave a talk to a fantastic group of people who I hope had a laugh or two at some of my stories. But some good questions arose:
Q: How old does a cat generally live to?
A: In New Zealand I would say 12 to 14 years old. But we see quite a few cats over 15 years of age and the occasional 20-year-old zimmerframer. Unlike dogs, cat breed doesn’t seem to influence their life expectancy but other factors definitely do, which was the next question.
Q: What can we do to extend their lifespan?
A: To a large extent, it is all luck of the draw, as it is with us, unfortunately. Sometimes even the most healthy, fit people suddenly become gravely ill for no underlying reason. But we can certainly increase the chances of a longer healthy life for our pets by attending to three main things:
❚ Avoid obesity. A recent study showed a definite reduction in lifespan in overweight pets. The list of diseases associated with obesity is long and includes diabetes, urinary disease, liver disease, breathing difficulties, fatty growths and mobility problems.
❚ Regular exercise. Even 20 minutes a day is a huge plus and helps in so many areas, including weight management and maintaining muscles for mobility. Cats obviously aren’t too keen on a lead and collar, but you and the dog can check out the neighbours every day on your walk.
❚ Dental hygiene. So many people comment on how different their dog is after their rotten teeth are extracted and the rest cleaned up. It would be better to keep their teeth healthy before they reached this point, but it does show how much dental disease affects their health and demeanour. I mean, we would be pretty miserable with a mouth full of tartar-covered or rotten teeth. Cats are no different and some studies show that any cat over 4 years old generally needs a descale to remove tartar and prevent their teeth decaying.
Other obvious points:
❚ Desexing cats will definitely extend lifespan. Tomcats succumb to car accidents and transmissible diseases from fighting as they wander far and wide.
❚ Keeping them inside overnight will help avoid car accidents and fighting.
❚ Vaccinations to avoid fatal diseases like parvo-virus in dogs.
Large-breed dogs generally have a lower life expectancy than smaller breeds. For example, great danes and st bernards are doing well to get to 10 years of age, compared with the common 14- or 15-year-old toy poodle.
Pets must, however, have a better life expectancy here than in Australia. On a visit last summer, I came face to face with a snake on the backdoor step, another in the pool and a huge zoo specimen of a python up a tree. And then there are the huntsman spiders.