Malcolm Hopwood Tunnel Vision
For a new generation of viewers, The Untouchables aren’t the Saudi royals or the Kardashians.
This week I sat down to view an alltime favourite and it backfired. As a child I remember imploring my parents to buy a black and white TV just so I could watch The Untouchables. Matinee idol Robert Stack starred as Eliot Ness.
For a new generation of viewers, The Untouchables aren’t the Saudi royals or the Kardashians. They were an elite group of 1930s law-enforcement agents hired to bring down Al Capone and anyone else they could point their machinegun at.
The episodes were gripping as the incorruptible Ness battled organised crime and, during Prohibition, did untold harm to bottles of hooch and moonshine. Stack’s face was permanently Botoxed – only his lips moved. But that was enough.
This week, The Untouchables (Jones, Tuesdays) returned after a gap big enough to swallow the profits from the BNZ Bank. The anticipation was greater than learning the royal names for kiwi chicks or licking your first Ben and Jerry ice-cream.
I wanted to hear immortal lines like: ‘‘I know nothin’ about nothin’’’ from the hoodlums, or: ‘‘The only one who can save you, is me’’ from Ness. But he was a waste of time.
The episode focused on elderly gangster Joseph Bucco, who was told to retire and let Little Charlie Sebastino take over. Bucco refused. That was a mistake. He didn’t get his gold watch, he didn’t pass go and never learned to drive an armoured zimmer frame in Florida.
Ness stood helpless on the sidelines and watched it all happen. Eliot, you can do better than that. I’ll give you one more chance next week. It would help if Jones started the series from the beginning and not at episode 14.
There are two ways of looking at The Trial: A Murder In The Family (TV One, Mondays). You can either say ‘‘I don’t see the point’’ or ‘‘TV characters are no different than real life’’. The Trial is a docu-drama that follows a fictional case where a man is tried for murdering his wife. The judge, lawyers and jury are real, only the accused and a few witnesses are actors.
But you couldn’t tell the difference. It was scary.
When defence lawyer John Ryder questions PC Stewart, he was a natural. He could’ve starred in any British drama, except Coro Street. That’s so confusing it needs Dr Phil and a sniffer dog to detect what’s going on.
Instead, it’s better to put the experiment to one side, forget who’s fake and who isn’t and enjoy a good whodunit. Former husband Simon Davis, who’s been playing bouncy castles with his estranged wife Carla, finds her dead. He’s accused of murder, but the defence team believes live-in boyfriend Louis Skinner could be the guilty party.
Carla’s eight weeks’ pregnant and, if the father isn’t one of those two, it can only be the three dads from Mamma Mia. Now, that would be interesting.
I have an answer for motorist Shaun Bartosh, who drives a noisy, modified car around Levin. He’s constantly receiving speeding fines incurred by an identical car somewhere else. Bartosh took his case to Fair Go (TV One, Mondays).
The answer is, Shaun, don’t pay the fines, save up, buy the other car and annoy the hell out of people with two obnoxious vehicles. Then Fair Go, bring Shaun to the attention of Opposition MP Crusher Collins. That should do the trick.
Grand Designs (TV3, Wednesdays) told the intriguing story of Karl and Amelie, who chose a section on a steep, windy Wellington hillside to build their home, heated almost entirely by the sun.
Host Chris Moller, took us through the various stages of construction and then came back when it was completed. But he missed one stage. Like Bad Habits: Holy Orders (TV One, Tuesdays), he didn’t return six months later to see if it succeeded. If the membrane used to attract the sun in windy Welly works, imagine what it will do to my rhubarb.
The week’s highlight for me was the stories told by the survivors on The Wahine – 50 Years On (Choice, Monday). Yes, it got a little confusing and the doco needed a narrator to piece the memories together, but their recollection was translucent. Brave people.
I like the names of the gender-neutral kiwi chicks, but what an opportunity lost. An AM Show (TV3, Tuesday) viewer suggested Edmond and Hillary as names. So appropriate. News that our famous mountaineer reached the summit of Everest in 1953 was publicised on the morning of the Queen’s coronation.
Sorry Harry and Meghan, don’t tell granny.