TV’S new cringe category
There is a new category on reality television, it is called ‘‘cringe’’. You can see perfect examples on all free-to-air channels. But if you want to binge on cringe, then watch Married At First Sight (TV3, Monday to Wednesday). It is the Ranfurly Shield of rubbish.
It is labelled a ‘‘bold social experiment’’. Pull the other one. It might be for people unable to make responsible decisions, but who else? The problem is they meet only at the altar. At that stage they either falter, are led by a halter or do a bolter.
I am not passing judgment on marriage as a public confession of a private intention. Nor whether it is a form of honeymoon dating, but Married At First Sight appeals for all the wrong reasons.
Sadly, you switch off wanting to do something else, but keep returning to find out what has happened.
Five singles, unhappy in love, have been matched with five others. They meet only when the bride walks down the aisle on Dad’s arm. By then it is too late for him to know whether his sonin-law is a plonker or will love and protect his daughter.
Jordan, from Horowhenua, is looking for love and can’t find anyone in Foxton.
He meets Anna, who is confident, outgoing and starred in a sex tape in Los Angeles. That wouldn’t go down well at the Foxton Boating Club.
The wedding ceremony is marked by the best man forgetting the rings and Anna crooning her wedding vows.
‘‘She is beautiful and can sing,’’ Jordan raves. On their wedding night, both were cautious. Jordan is a speedway driver, but not willing to accelerate too quickly. ‘‘We won’t be having sex tonight,’’ pronounces Anna. Phew.
By Wednesday, I have ruined five hours of my life. Rose, 45, is three times married and has a weakness for wedding cake. She meets Chris, in his 50s, who has been volunteered by his children.
‘‘Rose needs discovering and I’m the man to do it,’’ he claims.
He almost beat his chest. But first he must liberate her from her eyelash extensions.
Just as I am absorbing this televised train wreck, I am told Rose is still married to wellknown psychic Kelvin Cruickshank. Did he foresee this?
Married At First Sight is equally disturbing and compulsive. It is not to be taken seriously and should be shown on a telly where the exit signs are clearly marked. Foxton will never be the same.
The last time I saw 9-1-1 (TV3, Tuesdays) I was overwhelmed by the contrived relationships and underwhelmed by the action. But in this new series, the writers have the balance just about right.
First and foremost, the star of 9-1-1 is Angela Bassett. She is 61 going on 16 with a face that shows scorn, success, suspence and surprise in equal measure.
She has a personality that so fills the room, you have to leave the door open to let it out.
In this episode Bassett, as Sergeant Athena Grant, is suspicious when youngster Stevie Parnell rings 911 to report his father ‘‘has done something wrong’’. She follows up the call to discover his dad is a kidnapper.
Stevie and his younger brother belong elsewhere.
It is fast-paced. To the abduction, add a shark that bites a man’s leg on the freeway, a jealous ex-husband who attacks 911 operator Maddie Kendall, and a gas leak that renders hospital staff unconscious while a patient is having cosmetic surgery.
There is nothing scarier than when you wake up and look the same, only worse. I am waiting for a panicky caller to ring and say: ‘‘I got married at first sight.
‘‘Can you send fire, ambulance, police and an exorcist to rescue me’’.
I have noticed a scary trend in Masterchef Australia (TV One, Wednesday to Sunday). The meat being cooked is now rarer than rare. Next week the dish will still be leaping about in the paddock.