Date attack: ‘I will never forgive him’
After it happened she could have taken a shower, gone to bed and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. But she didn’t.
She decided to tell the police and seek justice, a decision she doesn’t regret. There’s no telling what effect staying silent would have on her.
Kate* was talking to a man on social media dating app Tinder.
They met at his Horowhenua house and had consensual sex before the man turned violent.
Kate withdrew her consent, but he didn’t stop. He raped her, forced her to do sexual acts and assaulted her.
Kate tried to survive the ordeal as best she could.
When it was over he offered her hush money, showed her ammunition and spoke of taking her to Australia to try to keep her quiet.
Kate turned down the man’s offers and left the house, calling her mum, who picked her up, but was initially unable to say what happened.
‘‘I only managed to say he raped me and that was it. I don’t really remember the cops coming.’’
Fleeting thoughts of going straight home to try to forget about it were banished.
Police were called and the following hours were a whirlwind of hospital examinations, photographs and officers’ questions.
Kate, who is in her 20s, didn’t return home until the next afternoon and says she couldn’t sleep for a week.
But she has no regrets about speaking out, saying she felt the police believed her. Police officers and Crown lawyers were honest about what could happen in court and talked her through the process.
More than a year after the attack, a trial was held in Palmerston North. The man was found guilty of the violence charges, but there was a hung jury on the question of rape, making Kate worry people didn’t believe her.
A retrial was ordered and then, days before it started, the man changed his plea. ‘‘Guilty’’, he said to the rape he’d so vehemently denied before.
At the sentencing Kate read her victim impact statement. The man didn’t look at her, or anyone in the courtroom. He’s never said sorry.
The man was jailed for more than eight years but because he was taken into custody on the night of the attack, he’ll soon be eligible for parole, having served a third of his sentence.
Kate’s improving, but the attack has set her back, as has some of the online reaction to reports of the trial. Some people commenting on social media have blamed Kate for what happened, asking what she was doing meeting someone online and going to his house at night, saying she was gullible.
Given the self-doubt she felt, these comments hurt. She says people need to think before commenting and asks how they’d feel if it were their relative on the receiving end.
‘‘It’s made me feel very disgusting and unwanted. I thought no-one would want me. I slept around for a bit. I was using it as a coping mechanism, but it was not helping.’’
Initially, Kate didn’t tell all her family. But since she opened up they’ve supported her. Some of her friends, however, have drifted away, continuing their life of going out and having fun.
Her experience has given Kate a sense of purpose. She wants to lobby to ensure there is compulsory education in secondary schools about consent and that students take self-defence classes.
When she’s ready she plans to study and may even share her story in person in the hope it prevents similar situations from occurring, that someone will learn no means no.
She’s considering having her automatic name suppression lifted to do this, but that’s a while away.
Kate’s mum says her daughter lets her know where she’s going and when she’s due home. If Mum calls and Kate doesn’t pick up, she’ll ring the police.
‘‘At work she feels like everybody is staring at her. She thinks people can see what happened, and judge her. She can’t see that you can’t,’’ her mum says.
Progress is slow, but Kate is determined.
Working with a psychologist has taught Kate ways to cope. Thoughts of self-harm and even suicide have lessened.
Instead, Kate wants tomake a difference to others and hopes the offender gets the help he needs.
‘‘I’m never going to forgive him, but as long as he learns from what he’s done then that’s OK, and as long as he never does it again to another person,’’ she says.
‘‘I’ve realised no-one deserves [to be raped]. It doesn’t matter if I went over there. I didn’t ask for that. No means no. It should be enough.
‘‘I didn’t deserve to be treated like a piece of meat. That’s what it felt like that night. Nobody should be treated like that.’’
* Kate is not her real name.