Being the goodmumis just perfect
I often hear other mothers say ‘‘I’m the worst mother!’’ Usually it’s followed by ‘‘I didn’t buy the organic vegetables’’, or ‘‘I forgot his water bottle’’, or ‘‘my little darling fell over and scratched his knee’’. Occasionally it’s a bit more serious. Things like losing their patience and shouting at their children, or long day-care hours.
Without knowing what family life is like at these mum’s homes, I’m pretty confident none of them is a bad mother. I’m also pretty sure at those moments they really did feel like the worst mother ever. I’m not doubting that sadly there are terrible parents who neglect or abuse their children, but this is not about those parents. It’s about the ones who struggle every day without enough sleep and too much to do. With careers, relationships and life. The ones who want to give their kids the best start in life but who are not always perfect.
It’s so easy to fall into the guilt trap. Parenting seems like such a daunting task. You start with virtually no experience, everyone else has an opinion on how things should be done, and there are countless opportunities to screw up.
Until a year or so ago, if I got something wrong at work no actual lives were in danger. I know that’s hugely different if you’re a bus driver or surgeon, but the chances of causing actual damage as a journalist were thankfully very limited. But as a mumof twins I’m suddenly in charge of two freaking human beings. Scary stuff.
And yet, I don’t want to be a perfect mother. The hunt for perfection comes with a huge barrage of guilt, making this job harder than it needs to be.
That’s why I really love the concept of the ‘‘good enough parent’’, created by English paediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott. In 1953 he called it the good enough mother, but it should apply to both parents.
I’m simplifying it, but it basically says rather than striving for an impossible ideal of perfection, mothers should accept we screw up all the time and that these mistakes are even part of what makes us good mothers.
He believed children need their parents to fail sometimes so they can learn they aren’t living in a perfect world. They have to learn to deal with the disappointments. They also have to learn they can’t always be the centre of the universe and that other people (even their parents) have needs too.
The good enough mother cares immensely for her children and tends to them with love, patience, effort and care. But when she fails (and she will fail) then she will get up and try again.
The good enough mother doesn’t always adore her child. Sometimes she’s fed up with them because she’s not a goddess. Instead she’s a person with feelings and moods.
Let’s not delve too deeply into his theory. My point is mothers fail all the time and it’s okay. It doesn’t make us bad mothers, it makes us human.