My son is heartbroken and depressed

Q: My 19-year-old son had his first bad experience with a girl who cheated on him. His reaction has surprised me and not in a good way. Normally he is a positive, high-achieving young man. He can be arrogant at times and is a leader. He pulled out of his sports team that were due to go to tournament which I am so disappointed about as his decision was made in anger. He told us he is lonely and sometimes feels depressed but thinks he is going through a phase and will snap out of it. We suggested counselling but he shook his head at that suggestion. His mood has lightened lately and we are thankful for that. We are supporting him the best we can but any advice would be welcome.

A: The fact that your son is talking to you is really good. It seems that this high-achiever has hit a blip and it might be fair to say that his reaction has surprised himself as well as you. The path to adulthood is paved with obstacles, for most of us anyway, and it would seem that until now you’re son has had a dream run. The fact that he is 19 and experiencing his first relationship troubles is a double edged sword: he has the added advantage of some perspective and maturity but he hasn’t ever been hurt like this before so he’s shocked by the pain of rejection.

We want to shelter and protect our children but life will deliver some cruel knocks and a broken relationship is fairly much a rite of passage. He’s told you he’s lonely, sometimes feels depressed and thinks he’s going through a phrase ‘‘and will snap out of it’’. This suggests he’s old enough to work through all of this and be stronger for it. Aside from your offer of counselling, and the fact that you’ve seen a lightening of his mood, you may not need to worry any more.

This whole business may make him more empathetic which is the essence of good leadership skills, and perhaps tone down the arrogance.

When this has blown over, you could have a chat about his initial reaction. Remind him of his knee-jerk reaction to withdraw from his sports team just before tournament. It would be interesting to know how this affected the other players? If you want to help him become the best man he can be, then he could give his reaction a bit of thought.

Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist. To send Mary-anne a question, email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line.

Life will deliver some cruel knocks and a broken relationship is fairly much a rite of passage.