Marlborough Express - Weekend Express
Tween fears are driving me crazy
Q: My 12-year-old son is afraid of being the last one awake at night.
We live busy lives and both my husband and I have to get up early for work, so we all end up going to bed about 8.30pm. When my son has been doing homework or out later at sport’s training, we all crash out at the same time. He begins to get himself wound up, asking if we can sit up for a while and watch TV. He gets so upset that he can’t sleep at all then and he’s often awake for hours and hours, keeping us all awake. I get exasperated.
He’s been like this since he was a toddler and I’d have thought he might have grown out of this by now. I can’t bear how upset he gets and I need some strategies to work this through.
A: This will be a very real fear for your son and he’ll remember this terror for the rest of his life. He’s probably thinking about the night long before it’s bedtime and I sympathise with all of you.
As he gets older, his imagination of what could happen/go wrong will increase too. This whole night-time, terror business can be overwhelming for you all and it’s easy to swing from annoyance to pity and everything in between. I have some suggestions for you, but you’ve probably tried many of these. If you’re out of options you might need to get him some professional help. No matter how annoying this situation is, don’t ridicule or belittle your son’s fears.
Find out if you can what his fears actually are.
Is it fear that people he loves will die? Is it monsters or intruders?
Show him how your house is locked up each night. If you have a dog, reassure your son that dogs growl if something is wrong and that your son can trust the dog’s silence. Let the dog sleep beside him.
I’d also like to suggest natural sleep drops, a night light, an established routine, ie, hot drink, warm bath, special time etc. Keep his TV viewing moderate. News items and action movies may be fine at the time, but once the lights go out, they loom large.
A reward chart may seem too babyish, but praise his small improvements and give him something to look forward to if he tries to work with you.
All this lack of sleep will be exhausting for him and the cycle of not sleeping will perpetuate as he gets more and more tired.
I feel sorry for you all. I hope you get this sorted.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.