Marlborough Express - Weekend Express
I can’t accept having a gay son
Q: Three months ago, my 16-year-old son sat me down and told me he was gay.
He said he had been feeling different to other boys from around age seven, so had grown up knowing he was homosexual.
While, at first, I was kind of OK with it and trying to be an open-minded, accepting dad for him, in the last month it really has been playing on my mind and I feel angry, upset and disappointed with him. I’m finding excuses not to spend as much time with him as usual and, while I love my son dearly, I don’t think I can accept it, or his lifestyle. He told me that his mother has known for the last year, but because he was underage, thought it would be best to wait until he turned 16 before he came out to me.
I’m also unable to talk to my guy friends, as none of their boys are homosexual and are the manly, blokey types of guys that probably wouldn’t take kindly to this news. My wife has asked me to talk to her, but I can’t open up to the way I feel and need some outside perspective on how to deal with it please.
A: Good on you for writing this letter. I can certainly offer you an outside perspective, but don’t let mine be the only one. I’d encourage you to take up the opportunity to talk to your wife, to your son’s mother and to as many clearthinking people as you are able to find. You cannot change this situation and it’s not something your son has done to deliberately hurt or upset you. Your son (and, in your own words: ‘‘I love my son dearly’’), has shown guts and maturity to come out to you. You would be wise to respond to him with complete love, support and loyalty.
The friends you refer to will possibly surprise you. I doubt any of those men would reject their sons under any circumstances.
You describe them as manly, blokey types and there’s an implication of strength in your description.
But strength isn’t an on-display thing.
Real strength comes from inside a person and I see real strength in a boy of just 16 who’s prepared to face his father and state his homosexuality – knowing your possible reaction.
It’s important you don’t muck this up. Don’t make a choice that separates you both, because you’re worried about a group of men you call friends, or because of an imagined lifestyle that your son may or may not lead. You would’ve held this boy as a baby and promised to love and protect him no matter what. This is no matter what. Believe in your future together.
Right now, you’re teetering on losing the one person who might hold your hand as you die, or turn your wheelchair so you feel the sun on your face. The boy you fathered is gay – it’s not a big deal. Just support him, love him and get on with being his dad.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.
Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.