After five years, enough is enough

Ifeel hopeless. I have poured over five years into this relationship and for what? am 30, I have a child and I am a divorcee. I am a cliched failure. No career to speak of (I earn slightly under six figures and have so many expenses it feels the same as when I made half that much) and an ex-husband who belittles me at every turn.

This article is not aimed at being a litany of woes, however. Instead, I wish to highlight the prevalence of abuse in our country and show that women have options.

As I look back over my relationship, little snippets of memories flash back at me.

I remember being at the top of the flight of stairs to our garage, and my ex having his hand around my throat, the threat of being pushed down those stairs hovering between us.

I remember trying to stand up for myself, telling him to go f... himself, and him flying out of the study and putting his hand around my throat, smashing my head against the wall, seeing the blood trickle down my face. I remember my step-son ask me what was wrong and lying to him.

I remember my ex asking me a question, my response and him lunging at me – next thing I know there is a me-shaped hole in the wall.

Amongst it all, I felt that I somehow deserved it by being difficult, by not being good enough. I am constantly reminded how ‘‘worthless’’ I am by being told what I have done was ‘‘stupid’’, ‘‘not very smart’’ or ‘‘dumb’’ – or that I am those things.

I am constantly criticised, and then told that it was just a joke and I can’t take a joke. On my

30th birthday, I was told that I had no career and that he wanted to divorce me.

So, six months down the line, here I stand. I am still bruised and broken, but I am coming to the realisation that all of the things I made excuses for are just not OK.

Yes, my life will be more difficult. I may only see my daughter 50 per cent of the time (although that’s another battle I am willing to fight), I may be in a worse position financially, but I can take back my life and there is hope for the future.

So, I say to everyone going through this, please, fight back, because it is not OK.

❚

Where to get help for domestic violence

Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843 (females only)

Shine Free call 0508 744 633 between 9am and 11pm (for men and women)

1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor.

Kidsline 0800 54 37 54 for people up to 18 years old. Open 24/7.

What’s Up 0800 942 8787 (for 5 to 18-year-olds). Phone counselling available MondayFriday, noon-11pm and weekends, 3pm-11pm. Online chat is available 3pm-10pm daily.

Youthline 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline. co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.